Jewish-American Man Bites From Forbidden Burger

“Eugene,"a 25-year-old Jew from Philadelphia, says that he’s naughty because he went against Jewish law. No, he didn’t kill anyone, or say anything negative about Barbara Streisand. He satisfied a craving.

TNA: You don’t look very naughty, but you claim you are. Would you like to tell us why you think you’re naughty?

Eugene: Looks don’t have anything to do with being naughty. Some of the naughtiest people I could ever imagine are some of the people you would least expect.

But there are also people you would most expect. Look at Charles Manson.

I don’t know if he was cheerfully challenging the status quo. He killed people.

Have you ever killed anyone?

I’ve never killed anybody.

OK. Continue with your stories of naughtiness.

I was in the United States Navy, and growing up I lived in a pretty white residential area. Very affluent. Very Jewish area, and everyone I knew growing up was pretty much Jewish….

One day, maybe three or four months of being in the Navy, it was around Lent. All these people were getting ashes on their head. I said, “I’ll go. I’ll get ashes on my head.” That’s an experience.

Isn’t that a Catholic ritual?

It is a Catholic ritual. But I thought, in order to be closer to my shipmates. I felt like I could experience something that they’ve experienced. So, I went with them, got the ashes on my forehead. Someone turned to me and said, “Well, what are you giving up?”

I said, “I never really thought of it. Being Jewish, we don’t celebrate Lent.” So, I figured, what’s the one thing I’ve always wanted to have?

A vagina?

A bacon cheeseburger. Which led me down the street, to Burger King, where I bought a huge bacon cheeseburger. I decided to devour that bacon cheeseburger.

But that’s not giving anything up. That’s actually indulging in something.

Well, I gave up being Jewish.

Oh, I see. OK. Would your family members and Jewish friends consider this naughty?

I grew up in a kosher household. We didn’t have pork. We didn’t mix meat and dairy products together. So, you know, according to my parents, according to a lot of people I grew up with, it’s very naughty, along the lines of breaking any of the other laws that people should obey: “Do not steal,” “Do not murder,” “Honor thy father and mother,” and “Don’t eat pork.”

Now, you’re telling me, and I’m not Jewish. Have you told any Jews about this?

I’ve told a few friends, but they found it funny. I don’t know if they would go out on a limb and do the same thing. I never told my parents about it. I never told some of my closer Jewish friends, because it’s a little taboo. I don’t know what people would think. … I don’t really care what they think.

If you told your rabbi, what would he say?

My rabbi probably wouldn’t be as judgemental as other rabbis. I think he’d be more upset that I partook in a Christian holiday than me eating the pork.

I see. Which would be considered more taboo, eating a bacon double cheeseburger or dating a very nice Muslim girl?

Dating a very nice Christian girl would be taboo. Dating a very nice Muslim girl would, well, that’s just crazy in the Jewish faith. … To be sure, dating a Muslim girl would be considered more taboo.

How about if you dated a Muslim guy?

Um, yeah.