Man Takes Home Stripper, Has Sex

Here is his story told in an interview conducted by TNA citizen journalist Todd M.

Todd M.: Having sex with a stripper is something most guys fantasize or lie about. Are you sure this isn’t a lie?

Jeremy: This is the truth. And it’s my best sexual conquest ever.

So what exactly happened?

Well, I was attending a bachelor party at my buddy’s place, and coincidentally I had just come from a wedding ceremony, so I was all dressed up, looking real nice.

I was doing all sorts of stuff that night – smoking pot, doing whippets. And there was a keg, so I was drinking.

Wow. Sounds like you were pretty inebriated.

I was wasted.

So I take it the stripper arrived when you were trashed.

Yeah, and she was amazing. Short black hair, nice athletic body, fake tits. She was a ten. Her stage name was Alexa.
But before she even got there, I was just trashed. I was so gone that I passed out where I was standing. I fell backward into a garbage can and spilled beer all over my nice shirt. My buddy had to scoop me out of the garbage can and throw me on his bed. He checked to make sure I hadn’t hit my head or anything, then gave me a String Cheese Incident shirt to where. So I’m wearing this dirty, hippy, smelly T-shirt and a pair of dress pants – a total drunken buffoon.

So the stripper shows up and starts drinking tequila to get her loosened up to do her thing. So she gets naked and does her dance and all that. Then at one point she comes over to me and tells me she’s going to spank me. So she pulls down my pants and smacks my ass.

Was she doing this with everyone?

No.

Sounds like she took a liking to you.

It gets better. So I’m just sitting on the couch at the end of the night, and she comes over and sits on my lap and says, “I hope you’re one of those normal people.”

What?

Yeah, that’s what I said. I’m like, “What do you mean? Why did you say that?” And she just says, “I just think you’re really cute and sweet, and if you’re normal then maybe you can give me your number and we can hang out.” So I smile and laugh and then pull out one of the dollar bills stuck in her panties, and I take a Sharpie and write my name and number on it. And at that point, that’s as far as I thought it was going to go.

I take it there’s more.

Yeah. So she’s getting ready to leave, and it’s snowing pretty hard outside. She gives me a hug and asks me to walk her to her car, so I say, “OK.”

How gentlemanly of you.

So I walk her out to her car, and just when we get up to it, she hands me her keys and says, “Now I want you to drive me back to my house.” I couldn’t believe it.

So what did you do?

Well, I got in the car and started the engine. And as soon as I did this – this is hilarious – I honk the horn as a way to say goodbye to my friends. And out comes this douche-bag who earlier had announced that he was going to try to have sex with the stripper. So he thinks I’m inviting him to come out with us. And as soon as he walks up to the door, I drive off and slam the door.

Oh, you bastard.

Yeah, it was great. I end up driving this chick to a woodsy area where she lives. You have to park the car in this separated driveway, and then walk like 40 steps uphill to her home in the middle of a forest. It was pretty sweet.

We get inside and she immediately takes a bath to clean all the whipped cream off her tits and pussy from the bachelor party. I jump in the bed and wait for her, just horny as hell.

With all the booze and crap you had that night you were able to get it up?

I was just so attracted to this woman that nothing was stopping me.

So then what happened?

Well, she tells me that she just couldn’t stop thinking about me, and then we just go at it. But her pussy wasn’t wet on the outside, so I couldn’t penetrate her right away. But I was so fucking turned on that I shot my wad before I even got it in. I squirted so hard onto the pillow that the next day it looked like somebody had drooled all over it.

So … that was it?

No. I told her I just needed five minutes.

To get it back up?

No, it didn’t even go down! I just needed to relax and regain my energy. So I did, and I fucked her like crazy. We had sex like five times that night.

Wow.

Yeah, and it was crazy, because all across the walls of her home she had these small little picture windows, so I felt like the world was watching us, which was kind of a turn-on.

And at one point, I woke up in the middle of the night to find her straddling me and riding my dick. It wasn’t inside her, but she was just bouncing on top of it. When I woke up, though, we started fucking.

What happened in the morning?

We didn’t have sex again, but she made these pancakes that were fucking amazing. She used all these crazy spices and stuff – they were so good!

So did she drive you home then?

Yeah. She drove me back to my buddy’s place. When I walked inside I was greeted by this huge round of applause from my friends.

Did you ever see her again?

Well, she called me about two or three weeks later. At the bachelor party I had told her I was 26, when in fact I was 21 and still in college. She was about 35. She thought I lived in Denver, but I lived about 70 miles up north. I had finals the week she called me, so I couldn’t see her. And that sucks, because she invited me to go out with her and another one of her stripper friends. I really fucked that one up.

Yeah you did.

But it still ranks as my best sexual experience. That woman turned me into a man. The funny thing is, she was a delivery truck driver for Del Monte during the day. And did I tell you that she had a fiancé, too?