What Will You Say To Get Laid?

“Kevin" is a mortgage broker in San Diego County, and he says he’s a naughty American because he’ll say anything to get into a woman’s pants – even telling her he’s impotent. He explains why bullshit is an aphrodisiac in the following interview with his friend, Erik S.

Erik S.: Do you consider yourself a Naughty American?

Kevin: Well, I’m American and I think I’m naughty, so yeah.

What makes you naughty?

Honestly, I will say anything to a girl to get into her pants. Anything. I believe bullshit is an aphrodisiac. Women get turned on by a guy who’s full of crap and do anything to prove he’s wrong.

But wouldn’t they get turned off when they discover you’ve lied to them?

No. As long as you act like you don’t care and as long as you don’t keep insisting you’re telling the truth after they call you on your crap.

Can you give an example?

Well, when I was in college, I had sex with this one girl and it was good enough that I decided to hang out with her again. She seemed like a nice girl, so I thought I had to act like I loved her in order to fuck her. So I was screwing her, and I told her, like an idiot, “I love you.” She slammed my chest and said, “You don’t love me.” I was taken aback for a second, but was like, “No, but I like you a lot.” Now, she was confused for a second, but then she said, “That’s good enough for me,” and started fucking me even harder.

That sounds like you’re telling the truth, not bullshitting.

Maybe, but it gave me a clue that I could say anything to a woman as long as I was prepared to tell the truth if pressed.

What have you said to a girl that was a lie?

Let me think. During my freshman year in college, I went out with a high school girl named Amy. Cute face, big ass. She was the best girl I could get without having to bribe a Marine to buy me alcohol.

What about the lie?

We went out and I convinced her to fuck me by using the old, “Well, let me just put it in for a second” lie. Then she assumed I was her boyfriend. That sucked. She kept calling me and driving by my house to leave homemade cookies on the doorstep. Anyway, one day I was riding skateboards with my friends and was lucky enough to get a concussion.

That was lucky? How?

I had a black eye and missed a test I hadn’t studied for. Unfortunately, one of my dicky friends told her about the accident and she called me all worried. I didn’t feel like talking with her so I told her I didn’t know anyone named Amy, adding, “Shit, the doctor told me I might suffer amnesia. Look, I’m sorry, but since I don’t remember you, I don’t think it’s fair to be dating you.”

Wow, that’s pretty low.

She found out pretty quickly, thanks to my dicky friend. So I had to spill the beans to her. I told her point blank: “Look, you’re nice and all, but if I’m pretending I have amnesia in order to get out of dating you, that says something, right?” She called me a bastard and I almost respected her, until the very end when I was walking to my car and she yelled, “Call me!”

Wow. Is that the best you can come up with for naughtiness?

Well, I once claimed to be impotent in order to get a girl.

That’s pretty naughty.

I think so. One time, another friend, Doug, and I went to Disneyland and he hooked up with these two cute chicks. He liked one of them – the nice sweet one – and pushed me onto her surly sister. She was cute, but seemed like she couldn’t admit to herself she was horny without appearing “weak.” Doug really liked “the nice one,” and forced me to watch the surly one while he went on rides with his newfound love.

I figured, what the hell, and tried to make out with her. She said, “Don’t kiss me.” I said, “Do you have a reason?” She said, “I don’t like pushy guys.” I said, “A kiss is pushy?” and she said, “Guys never want to stop with a kiss.” I said, “I don’t have any choice.” She looked surprised so I laid my bullshit trap. “I’m impotent,” I told her. Naturally, she didn’t believe me. So I told her this big story about a strange illness I had recently recovered from that had left me “as limp and lifeless as an Olive Garden breadstick in a glass of water.” I was proud of that line. I went on to explain that doctors were perplexed that drugs like Viagra didn’t work and that they feared it might be permanent. She actually seemed sad for me, and I felt sort of bad, but, luckily, came to my senses. She ended up trusting me more and seemed to enjoy the time we spent. I did too. However, when we were going on the Haunted Mansion ride, I got a boner. I was feeling pretty ballsy so I put her hand on my dick and whispered, “It’s a miracle.”

Jeez, what did she do?

She actually smiled in a sexy way and even squeezed it a little. Then when we got off the ride, she told me that she left her cigarettes in the car and didn’t want to go alone. I went with her and when we there, she had a smoke and we started fooling around and, eventually, we were fucking in the backseat.

She wasn’t mad?

That’s the funny thing. While we were fucking, she kept biting my nipples and saying, “You’re so full of shit” over and over.

Wow, mixed signals.

Yeah, but it was hot.

Any advice for people who want to follow in your footsteps?

Don’t lie unless sex is involved. Otherwise, it’s not worth it.