Cashier Sleeps With His Twin Brother’s Ex-Girlfriends

“Ted" is a grocery cashier in Seattle, Washington. He is also an identical twin. Besides sharing the same eye color, hair color and shirt size, Ted has shared many of the same sex partners as his brother, “Fred.” Only Fred doesn’t know.

Ted tells his story to Naughty American citizen journalist Andy W.

Andy W.: So you’re a twin. Do you guys finish each other’s thoughts?

Ted: Actually, we’re not that close. We never have been. We joke about it, saying nine months in the womb was enough closeness for us. We don’t hate each other, but we don’t feel that twin closeness that other twins say they feel.

You’re close in one way, though.

Well, we’ve never had a threesome together, but I have slept with at least five of his ex-girlfriends. But he doesn’t know about that.

How did it start?

Back in high school, he dated this one girl, “Mary,” for a while, but cheated on her all the time. I thought he was a dick. He ended up breaking up with her for someone else and she ended up calling the house one time to plead her case, I guess. He wasn’t there, but I talked with her for a while. I was sympathetic and always thought she was hot, so, at some point, I suggested she meet me at a Denny’s. She agreed. Anyway, we ended up talking for a while – well, I was talking and she was crying. When we left, I walked her to her car and told her my brother was a dick. One thing led to another and I kissed her. She kissed back and we ended up making out for a minute or two before she freaked out, got in her car and left.

What happened after that?

She came by my work a few days later and left a note on my car saying she wanted to talk. I called her and came over to her house. She had a couple 40-ouncers and suggested going to a park to drink them. After guzzling half of hers, she brought up the makeout session from the other night. We ended up repeating it and became sex buddies for about a year after that.

Your brother never knew?

Nah. Like I said, we weren’t close, but it was sort of weird because fucking Mary made me feel closer to him than ever.

That sounds a little weird.

Maybe, but I spent nine months in a womb with him so 20 minutes doesn’t seem that much longer. I have to admit there were times when Mary brought him into the bedroom.

In what ways? Do I even want to know?

Well, she’d say, “Oh, you’re so much bigger than Fred,” or I’d say, “What’s it like to be fucked by a real man?” Once, she was blowing me and stuck a sex toy in her snatch and started yelling, “I’m getting fucked by twins.”

Sounds more freaky than naughty….

Yeah, after a while, I figured out why my brother stopped dating her – she was nuts—but I had the advantage of not being in a relationship with her so I could tolerate it more.

What happened after that?

Well, my brother is pretty outgoing and he started working as a salesman and would meet a lot of women. Some of them he’d date. I’d ask him how things were going, and he’d say, “You know, I really think she’s a special one.” That was my cue. If he said that, I knew they’d be breaking up soon.

He has a pattern?

Like a china plate.

What did you do?

Well, sometimes it’s just dumb luck. He breaks up with her and I run into her at a bar or something and I act like I don’t know they broke up and by her a drink and act all friendly. That forces them to be the one to tell me. I get angry at my brother and call him an asshole and say something like, “He may be my brother, but I can’t believe he’s stupid enough to let you go.”

Playing the nice guy card, eh?

For the first drink. We look enough alike that after a few drinks a woman might start thinking I’m him – sort of – and you’d be surprised at how positively women will respond if you simply bring up the subject of revenge sex.

Like how?

Like this: Hey, my brother fucked you over. Let’s fuck him over.

It’s that simple?

Well, it lays it out there and a certain percentage are willing to consider it.

Has there ever been a time when the woman thought she was actually boning Fred, not you?

No, but once I was at a club in Pioneer Square and a woman came up and started yelling at me about how I fucked her over. I didn’t have a clue who she was, but I knew she had dated Fred. I tried to calm her down and even showed her a picture of the two of us together that was from, like, senior year. She still didn’t believe me. Finally, I had to get the bartender and my pals to vouch for me before she finally got a clue.

Anything happen after that?

I went back and listened to the band and a little while later, I saw her pointing me out to her friends. Then I saw her point me out to her waitress, who then came over and said that the woman wanted to buy me a drink. Cool, I thought.

Free drinks are always cool.

So I went over to thank her and she apologized again and I let the issue drop. Later, she came up to me again and she drunkenly started asking all the twin questions—“What’s it like to be a twin?” Blah, blah, blah. I started tuning out until she said, “Are you like those Corsican brothers? When you have sex, does your brother feel it too?”

Sounds like an opening.

That’s what I thought, so I said, “There’s one way to find out,” and we went to her car and had sex.

That’s fucking hot!

Yeah, but when we were doing it, she was digging her nails into my back and my ass and actually drawing blood. When she was blowing me, she squeezed my balls real tight. To the point of pain.

She really wanted Fred to feel the pain.

I guess so. When it was over, she asked me to call her, but I declined and told her I had a girlfriend.

If you’re having sex with your brother’s ex, is there any code you follow?

Well, you can’t try to have romantic sex. You need to be hard and fast and dirty. Because this is about aggression, you can’t be all kissy, and you need to do all the nasty stuff so she feels like she’s getting back at the guy. So that means licking ass, pulling hair and saying things like, “Man, how do you think Fred would like seeing my cum all over your face?”

So you’ve never been secretly in love with your brother’s exes?

It wouldn’t matter if I was. A woman who is fucking her boyfriend’s twin brother isn’t doing it for a relationship with the twin, but because of the relationship with the ex. It’s not like I could trust her if we started dating.

Your brother has never found out?

I think he suspects, but, so far, he hasn’t come out and accused me.

Do you sleep with all of your brother’s ex-girlfriends?

Nah, I avoid the ones he got pregnant.