By Doug Sorito
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – My current stripper girlfriend has this annoying habit of asking me, “Do you think I’m fat?”
I hate it because it’s a loaded question. If I tell her, “No,” she thinks I’m lying. Actually, she KNOWS I’m lying.
But if I say, “Yes honey, you do look a lot heavier,” she gets into a tizzy and refuses to give me oral pleasure for a week (because of the calories, she says). Luckily, she can’t hold out for much longer. She does love the taste of Sorito sausage.
At first, this bugged me, because I thought there was no way I could win. However, I found a solution. Whenever she asked the annoying “Am I fat?” question, I now run to the fridge or liquor cabinet and slug down a shot or a beer or whatever is handy, basically to get the old beer goggles working.
That way, I can answer her annoying self-loathing question honestly and not have her accuse me of lying because, in my boozed-up state of mind, she does actually look good.
Of course, like my former stripper girlfriends, my current stripper girlfriend has a lot of emotional baggage, so she finds something else to piss and moan about.
“Why do you have to drink before you tell me I look pretty?”
Until now, I’ve never had an answer for that other than “Bur-rrrp!”
However, some suds-loving scientists at Bristol University in England have made an important discovery: People do appear more attractive and desirable after they’ve put on their “beer goggles” – as much as 10 percent.
In fact, the Daily Mail article that I’m cribbing this piece from reports that as little as a pint and a half of beer is enough to make everyone more desirable. I’m an overachiever so I prefer to have at least two pints before telling my current stripper girlfriend she looks good naked.
This is an important finding since as many as 68 percent of boozehounds have given their number to a person they were not attracted to when sober. Even worse: The effects of beer goggles can last up to 24 hours after consumption in males.
Which explains why I hooked up with my current stripper girlfriend. My problem is that when I’m drunk she looks just like Angelina Jolie and when I’m sober she looks like Joe Lieberman (By the way, I don’t mean to sound like I’m hating on my current stripper girlfriend. She’s not all bad. She doesn’t gripe when I invite her co-workers – or, as I like to call them, “my future stripper girlfriends” -- home for romantic dinners, and she even changes the sheets).
Still, science has given me yet another excuse for bad behavior. Whenever she complains about my need to down a six-pack before we have sex, I can just wave the beer goggles report from the Daily Mail and tell her, in the words of Eric Clapton, “My dear, you look wonderful tonight. [Hic!]”