Sarah Carrillo
Part 2 of 2
LOS ANGELES (TNA) – The course of true love never runs smooth, and even relationships that are better defined as “true like” have their problems.
So when does a “lite” relationship get too heavy? Depends on who’s doing the lifting.
Susan Kuchinkas, author of the upcoming book “Love Chemistry: How Oxytocin Lets Us Love, Trust and Mate” (Amacom Books, out in 2008), says even when a couple realizes the relationship isn’t for the long term, it’s still all too easy for one partner to become comfortable and attached to the relationship.
This can mean going too long before breaking it off or a lot of heartache when the other person finally does.
“We had been together for [seven months], so it seemed like the next step would be a relationship,” Chelsea,* 24, a brunette from Los Angeles, said about her “lite” relationship. “So I brought it up, and his take on it was that he didn’t want anything more out of it.
“For the next three months we still stayed together. But it changed everything. Once he put the breaks on it I emotionally distanced myself from him. And for a brief period of time I thought maybe he’ll change his mind.”
Chelsea thought her relationship would naturally progress into something more. Unfortunately, she found out too late that it was only a "lite relationship" to her partner.
Dr. Patricia Covalt, author of the book “What Smart Couples Know: The Secret to a Happy Relationship” (Amacom), said you don’t necessarily have to give up if you want your “lite” relationship to become more serious.
“If their message [that they don’t want to be serious] is subtle, and you truly believe that there might be a chance for you, then I would try to build it. It’s a matter of just what is that message, how strong is that message,” she said.
Sometimes, though, people need to take the hint that the relationship is over. Dan,* a 25-year-old blond from Indianapolis, was forced to take drastic measures when someone became a little too attached to him.
“When I was in college, I had gone out a couple times with a girl and discovered quickly that beyond nights of drunken debauchery, I had no interest in her whatsoever,” Dan said. “When calls to my cell phone and room phone failed to gain my attention, she decided to show up at my house unannounced, knowing it was my birthday (which I was celebrating without her).
“Stunned that she just walked into the room, I quickly slumped to the couch in a feigned drunken coma. I had to lay there for 45 minutes, mimicking my best bear-encounter tactics, until she finally gave up and left, knowing I was no good to her anymore.
“[It’s] not the best way to tell a girl you’re not interested, but [it worked].”
Janice MacLeod, co-author of “The Dating Repair Kit” and “The Breakup Repair Kit” (Conari Press), says people need to stop blaming themselves for being irresistible.
“Being concerned with the other person becoming too attached is called ‘over responsibility,’” MacLeod said. “It's not our job to be concerned with the other person's attachment level. Just like a guy can't know how attached I get to him, I can't be responsible for how attached he gets to me. His attachment belongs to him.”
Even if you are able to break away from a “lite” relationship, an unwanted pregnancy could pull you right back in.
In the 1990s, the Census Bureau found that out-of-wedlock births had risen to 53 percent for women’s first children. Which means that, more than ever, it’s imperative to make sure that the condom is on correctly.
Covalt said professional help can provide hope for a couple in a “lite relationship” who, just like in the humorous cautionary tale “Knocked Up,” discovers there’s a bun in the oven.
“Some couples are able, with really effective help, to make it work,” Covalt said. “The couple may not be ‘in love’; it may be that there’s something that they could build on together. If not, then the smartest thing to do, what’s best for them and possibly what’s best for the child, is to have a peaceful ending to it.”
Covalt helped one couple who was breaking up when they found out the woman was pregnant. They weren’t able to stay together, but they were able to work together to raise the child.
“They chose not to get married,” she said. “I worked only with the mother and was able to help her establish and maintain an open, flexible and reasonable relationship with her daughter's father.”
Whenever a child is involved, it’s important that the potential parents focus is on what is good for the child, not themselves.
Covalt says she helped both individuals learn to manage their emotions, tune into each other’s needs, listen to each other, and put aside their preferences as the situation called for.
“They maintained a friendship, which ultimately contributed their daughter's healthy development,” she said.
Covalt offered this advice if you’re going to pursue a “lite” relationship: “If you are going to date someone and you believe there is no future after awhile, then you need to end it in an appropriate way and not drag it out too long, and not make promises you can’t keep, and lead people on.”
*Some names have been changed.