Vacuum Cleaners Menace Mankind

PRICE, Utah (TNA) – The greatest threat to mankind isn’t global warming, or nuclear proliferation. It’s the vacuum cleaner. We’ll get to this in a minute, but here’s what it’s doing: curbing procreation … taking men out of the sexual equation.

So, gentlemen, the next time your girlfriend or wife says she’s going upstairs to do a little vacuuming, don’t crack open a beer and congratulate yourself for domesticating the little woman.

Once you go vac, you never go back.

Reach for the @#&*ing fuse box. Cut the power on your happy home. Your woman ain’t house-proud – she’s horny!

Women are using vacuums in ways manufacturers never dreamed. Oh, the missus is still cleaning the carpet, alright. Just not the one on the floor.

The modern woman is Hoovering her privates – getting down with the family upright.

A new vacuum accessory called the Vortex has facilitated vacu-masturbation while rendering the male population superfluous. According to Vortex inventor Joanne Drysdale, the plastic attachment, which retails for $60, provides stimulation so pleasurable that every woman who’s ever tried it has climaxed.

“I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t had an orgasm using it,” says Drysdale, 50 years old and a mother of three.

With that kind of a success rate, women have no need for a man’s touch, so there’s no chance for sperm to meet egg. And that, people, means trouble.

Drysdale refutes the theory as preposterous.

“Oh, that’s not true at all,” she states. “On the contrary. It creates a very strong desire in women. In fact, the Vortex may even help add to the population.”

Yeah, right.

Consider this: According to Drysdale, one woman who “straddled the nozzle” kicked up seven orgasms in 40 minutes, while another reported that her vacuum “sucked the orgasm” right out of her.

“As long as a woman has a clitoris, she will experience an orgasm with the Vortex,” claims Drysdale. “Money back guarantee.”

And you think an asteroid is going to wipe out the population? Try a Dyson DC15.

After 15 years of celibacy, Joanne Drysdale turned to her vacuum for solace.

Drysdale came up with the idea for the Vortex in 2005 amidst a very long stretch of celibacy (15 years). Back then, she masturbated without household appliances, but found that reaching orgasm took a very long time (up to four hours).

During one frustrating session, she ventured down to her garage to see whether any tools lying about might help satisfy her. The vacuum caught her eye; she remembered how a piece of rubber caught in the nozzle of the appliance had vibrated like the reed on a saxophone.

An instant later, she had the vacuum whirring and the hose pressed to her groin. She came in about 10 seconds.

After a few trysts with her new BAF (Best Appliance Forever), Drysdale realized that – like all men – the vacuum was inadequate. Calling upon her training as a former tool and die apprentice, Drysdale developed an attachment that regulated airflow, and in June 2007 began marketing the Vortex.

Since the roll-out, Drysdale has received orders not only from within the U.S., but around the world – which would make vacu-masturbation pandemic. It’s comforting to know that there’s a guy in Iceland probably being cuckolded by a Roomba right now.

Jade Taylor (real person, fake name), a 34-year-old marketing manager in Toronto, has been seeing “Sharpie” since May. Sharpie is the name of a small sterling silver vacuum she bought at Wal-Mart to help take the edge off at night.

Sharpie sits on Taylor’s nightstand and gets “regular use.” Taylor has a boyfriend who, apparently, isn’t bothered by the fact that an appliance is getting more pussy than he is.

“Whatever makes me happy makes him happy,” Taylor claims.

The Vortex

Happy, yes, but confused nonetheless. “If I’m upstairs and the vacuum’s going, my boyfriend wonders whether I’m vacuuming the house or getting off,” says Taylor.

Karen J., a Vortex user in Salt Lake City, says she is in a committed relationship with one of her two vacuums. “The vacuum that I use is very small. I use it exclusively.”

Luckily for mankind, the vacuum is not yet capable of being all things to all women. Drysdale says that the smaller the unit, the better. Users have reported that the suction on large vacuums is too powerful and irritates the clitoris.

One woman who used a powerful vacuum reports, “My private parts hurt and felt as though they were being pulled through a straw.”

Whether it’s vacu-cuckolding or just housework-with-a-happy-ending, vacuums are taking men out of the sexual equation. So, if your Dirt Devil gets more pussy than you do, get rid of the thing. Destroy it, burn it.

If you don’t, your grandchildren will someday ask, “Daddy, is it true that women used to clean their house with a vacuum?”