Sarah Carrillo
Part 1 Of 2
LOS ANGELES (TNA) – Nichole, a blonde 25-year-old from Chicago, saw no harm in dating a college friend, even though she knew it would never go anywhere. But that relationship almost cost her the chance to be with her husband.
“I dated a total pot-head in college for almost 10 months,” Nichole said. “I knew I wasn't going to marry him. I think I liked him because I knew it didn't have to get serious and he was just so … not bad, but not like the people I'd dated before.
“While I was dating Mr. Pot-Head, I was only friends with the person I actually married. I probably could've started my real relationship sooner if I wasn't busy wasting my time,” she said.
Nichole and “Mr. Pot-Head” had a “lite” relationship. It was more than friends with benefits, where the two people sleep together but are just friends in public or don’t go out in public together at all.
Rather, it looked just like a real relationship – with actual dates, boyfriend and girlfriend titles, the whole nine yards. The only difference from a regular relationship is they (or at least she) knew that it wouldn’t last forever, and there was an expiration date looming over them.
Nichole isn’t the only one who’s been in this situation. In fact, “lite” relationships are more common than you might think.
There are some definite pros to the arrangement, including regular sex and companionship, and a chance to try dating someone you might not have otherwise (or at least date someone who’s close to your ideal mate, but not quite there). But it’s also all too easy for this “lite” situation to get out of hand, as Rebecca,* a red-headed 23-year-old from Seattle, knows.
“I met him through a graduate counseling program. He happened to be my counselor,” she said. “He was sweet, entertaining, and seemed very sincere. I was 19, he was 29, and I told him I felt really uncomfortable dating someone 10 years older than me. So I think from the very beginning I knew it wouldn't lead anywhere. It was just for fun, and I was in college, and I needed an adventure.”
Her adventure started out great, but quickly went south.
“I met him at a restaurant for dinner; conversation was easy, he was charming. It was just fun,” Rebecca * said. “Generally, I’m not the kind of girl who jumps into physical relationships with guys, but this guy seemed to know what he was doing, and I liked him. And holy hell, it was amazing.
But almost immediately after Rebecca started sleeping with her “relationship lite,” he started asking her to specifically wear tight jeans heels when she came over. “He would actually take me shoe shopping to buy me shoes that HE liked,” she said.
Even worse: Rebecca said her “lite” lover would complain if she wasn’t ready to do his bidding.
“I would come over and not be in the mood to give him a blow job. And if I gave him one anyway, he would complain that I have to enjoy it for him to enjoy it,” she said. ”Then we would end up screaming at each other.
“Everything about him drove me insane, except he never left me wanting in bed. He always said he was training me for the next man I was with. So obviously he knew it wasn't going to last too,” Rebecca said.
Rebecca eventually was able to break off the relationship, but only after four rounds of breakup sex.
Susan Kuchinskas, author of the upcoming book “Love Chemistry: How Oxytocin Lets Us Love, Trust and Mate” (Amacom Books, out in 2008) and author of a blog about oxytocin (http://www.hugthemonkey.com/), explains why it can be so difficult to leave people even when they’re all wrong.
“We get stuck in this rut of reward seeking. Sometimes we get the reward from him and sometimes we don’t, so we can’t move past that,” Kuchinskas said. “He becomes this permanently elusive, and ever more desirable reward, that we just have to keep trying to get. It’s similar to what happens when you take certain drugs. So it’s almost like you’re addicted to this person. It doesn’t matter if your brain is saying there’s no future in this, your body is saying, ‘we are mated.’”
Nichole’s “lite” relationship eventually ended, maybe not the way she wanted, but she believes it was all for the best. Her husband agrees.
“I got dumped for a girl who also enjoyed the occasional smoke and a few other wild things I was not keen on – and he ended up marrying her,” she said. “She is my total opposite and to be honest I give their marriage about two years – but, hey, he wasn't for me anyway.”
Once free of the pot-head, Nichole was able to transition from a “lite” relationship and got hot and heavy with her other friend once the smoke cleared. The two quickly began dating, and have been married for a year.
*Some names have been changed.