Dogfighting, No; Catfighting, Yes!

ATLANTA, Ga. (TNA) – Michael Vick is so stupid.

He had everything going for him: a successful football career, lots of money from endorsements and yet he still felt compelled to finance the heinous sport of dog fighting.

Why? It just seems crazy, especially when he could have used his money promoting cat fighting instead.

Any fool knows cat fights are more entertaining than dog fights.

That’s the one thing that’s been missing in all the editorials and news stories about the Vick dog fighting scandal. Why did he waste his money raising dogs for battle, when he could have simply had two bitches (the human kind) fight it out for free?

It’s certainly more acceptable. Although most thinking people find dog fighting reprehensible, everyone loves a good catfight. Especially me.

I remember my first catfight like it was yesterday. It was back when I was an assistant manager at a grocery store and was partying with two of the bag girls. I was dating them both and, one night, they came over to my house and demanded I make a choice.

I told them they’d have to work it out between themselves and they did. One of the girls, this redheaded chola, ripped off the work shirt of the other girl, a blonde surfer chick, and she responded by clawing at her opponent with her long-ass fake fingernails.

They managed to beat each other up pretty good, before the surfer girl ran out in tears. That’s when I told the chola, “Hey, to the victor belong the spoils,” and we made out.

Since then, I’ve seen other catfights and, believe me, all the screaming, punching, fighting and name-calling is a lot more fun than any lame old dogfight could ever be.

Plus, raising dogs is hard work. You have to feed them, train them and build kennels.

For a catfight, you just need two hot chicks, a little alcohol, and tell them the other woman said bad things about them. It’s a lot cheaper and, for my money, a better investment.

If you say to 100 random people, “Come over to my ranch for some dogfights,” chances are, at least 95 will object. However, ask those same people, “You want to see a catfight?” and at least 95 will want to come. Even those PETA people will be up front yelling, “Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!”

The energy is almost palpable. It’s even hotter when the girls get so into the fight that they start crying, and pulling hair. Sometimes, the battle between the babes gets so intense that they start making out with each other. Try getting dogs to do that.

So, here’s what I don’t understand about Michael Vick: He is a good looking young man – and he’s loaded. If anyone could get two chicks cat fighting over him, it should be him.

What kind of sicko prefers watching two dogs fighting to the death when they could watch two hoes pulling each other’s hair out? It doesn’t make sense to me.

Hopefully, when Vick goes to prison, he’ll think about missed opportunities. Not only did he have a chance to be a role model to the young, he could’ve sponsored some thrilling catfights.

Who knows? Maybe he’ll be lucky enough to have two of his fellow inmates fall in love with him and get into a catfight. Imagine the excitement.

“Michael’s my prison bitch!”

“No, he’s not, you asshole! He’s mine!”

“I’m the one he drops his soap for!”

“He’s just using you when I’m working at the prison laundry! Michael, which one do you like better?”

“Now, now, men. You’ll have to settle this yourself.”

Hey, I’m not gay or anything, but the thought of two burly prison guys with ballpoint ink tattoos grappling their greasy bodies for the love of Michael Vick makes me a little horny.