SAN DIEGO (TNA) – You know what grinds my ass? When a woman you once dated, slept with or pretended to be married to for the tax benefits sends you a stupid article she thinks you’ll find funny.
May Day Should Be A Day Off To Get Off
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Holidays in the United States allow us to recognize all things special to us: independence, civil rights, freedom of speech. But the government has yet to allow U.S. citizens a day to celebrate the one thing we care about most – sex.That’s why the time...
Twitter: Real Time For The Real Lame
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – The Twitter era at The Naughty American lasted less than two hours, which is an hour and fifty-five minutes longer than it should have lasted.For those of you who aren’t familiar with Twitter, it’s the single-most hyped, overrated, piece-of-crap product...
Loser Activists Ruin The Shopping Experience
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – For the record, I support global warming. Parts of where I live get a little too cold in the winter. So when some wingnut with a clipboard approaches me outside of Whole Foods and asks to talk about global warming, what do we have to talk about? What’s he going to...
Women, Stop Posting Your Penis Shots Online
SAN DIEGO (TNA) -- Women, stop posting your penis shots online! They’re not naughty – they’re lame.What’s that? Don’t quite understand? Let me spell it out for you. You know those dick shots that men throw up on Craigslist, the hard-on pics that do absolutely...
Bear Stearns Employees Got Dumped, Should Act Accordingly
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – To all the employees at Bear Stearns: Top management left you with almost no assets and few options after the company’s sale to JPMorgan on Sunday night. They’ll make out nicely, however, when they slip into their new plum jobs around Wall St.To put it...
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Eliot Spitzer is evil.As in Bert-evil. You remember Bert, the “Sesame Street” personality with the once-unimpeachable character. Bert (no known last name) rose to fame as the rigid voice of reason and saner half of the comedy duo “Bert &...
SAN DIEGO (TNA) -- Are you a Naughty American? Of course you are. Now we want to hear about it.What makes you naughty? Is it the sex? The fast times? The diabolical schemes? Whether you’ve had sex with your friend’s mom, outrun...
In Japan, Valentine's Day Is All About The Male
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – I’m proud to be an American, but I miss the Japanese way of celebrating Valentine’s Day.Here in the United States, Valentine’s Day is a gynocentric holiday. So much is expected of the poor workaday male, that no man looks forward to it. He has to...
Elect A Tall, Slender Black Man Who Smokes
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – You know what I want to see in the Oval Office next year? A tall slender black man who smokes. And you know what I want the world to see when they think about screwing with the U.S.? A tall, slender black man who smokes, sitting behind that desk in the Oval...
Make MLK’s Birthday A Hangover Holiday
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday is Jan. 21, and I, for one, am looking forward to getting drunk.
Embrace The Rat, New American Icon
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – The rat is moving up in the world. Scourge? Hardly. Vermin? Watch yourself there, Chester! You’re talking about an American icon.The United States Postal Service is issuing a stamp to honor the rodent’s contribution to the arts and sciences, …...
Porn: You May Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – There’s no doubt this country has a security problem. It’s been affecting our borders, our military and our children. But now it’s affecting our ability to look at porn, and that just isn’t acceptable in my book.Last week it was...
KATY, Tex. (TNA) – Legendary baseball player Roger Clemens appeared on the news show 60 Minutes on Sunday night to vehemently deny accusations that he used steroids. It’s time for Clemens to give it up and admit he took it in the ass.Clemens’ former trainer, Brian...
Alexander Graham Bell: Asshole
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – According to a new book, Alexander Graham Bell didn’t invent the telephone. Well, of course he didn’t! Elisha Gray did. But Mr. Gray doesn’t get the credit, because he played by the rules – meaning he didn’t bribe patent clerks or hire...
Naughty Resolutions Often More Fun…And Successful
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – It’s nearly 2008, and people are already telling me their New Year’s resolutions: Get in shape, quit smoking, pay off debt, get organized, etc.
Airlines Lower Standards For Pilots, Open Way For Hookers And College Kids
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Several airlines in the U.S. have lowered their hiring standards to attract more pilots. You know where they’re heading, right? Toward lowering the requirements so much that normal people – people who don’t even care about aviation -- could become...
Steroids And Baseball: Friends Forever
NEW YORK (TNA) -- For almost a year, the sports world has been salivating over the release of the Mitchell Report. Within the report is a list of Major League Baseball players linked to steroid use.What will this report do to change the way Major League Baseball handles steroids?...
Today’s Porn Star Names Are Tomorrow’s Baby Names
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – When my girlfriend found out she was pregnant (and after I confirmed it was my kid), we then had to figure out what to name our darling little girl.
Man In Cooler For Deflating Frosty
SLIDELL, La. (AP) -- Frosty got flattened, and a man wound up in the cooler. Authorities say Lance Word, 18, tackled and popped an inflatable snowman decoration on a lawn Saturday in this suburban New Orleans community.Police arrested Word and booked him with simple criminal damage to...
NYC Mailman Accused Of Filching Cards
NEW YORK (AP) -- Call it a special delivery. A postal carrier pocketed dozens of greeting cards he was supposed to deliver to get at the cash inside, postal inspectors said.He was found with more than 130 pieces of other people's mail in his car, according to a court...
What's New With Me? Read My Profile
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – You know what chaps me? People I haven't seen in a while who e-mail me and say “What’s new?” I send a thoughtful reply, and finish with the same question, “What’s new with you?” Then I never hear from them again.Lazy...
Firefighters Have The Most Prestigious Jobs? Please
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – There it was, the bullshit splashed across half the news sites in America: a recent Harris Interactive poll trumpeting “firefighter” as the most prestigious job in the country, above lesser-regarded professions, such as doctor, lawyer, and military...
This Thanksgiving, Give Envy, Not Thanks
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – This Thanksgiving, take a few moments to give envy for all that you don’t have. Tell Alex Rodriguez to go fuck himself. Shell on your neighbor for cashing in his Google stock. Come on, you know you want to do it.After all, envy is as closely linked to...
Brokeback Flap Shows NBA’s Lack Of Balls
LOS ANGELES (TNA) – “We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there’s so much penetration and kick-outs.” This was the statement from Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson that drew unnecessary ire from NBA Commissioner David Stern. In...
There Is No Absolution In An Asterisk
NEW YORK (TNA) -- Enough with the asterisks already.The idea that you can fix scandal, determine record authenticity and level great acts of athleticism with a symbol is absurd. And it is cheapening the moments that make sports exciting.Don Shula has become the most recent...
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Apparently, I was looking for a guy to suck my dick – which is news to me, because I’ve never wanted a guy to suck my dick.{image_168}I’m as straight as Larry Craig.Or that’s what some dude in the...
Erectile Dysfunction Ads Hurt American Morale
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Erectile dysfunction ads are doing more damage to the American psyche than any video tape Osama could muster. It’s as though Al Qaeda has stopped sending recruits to Afghanistan, and sent them to Madison Avenue instead.Everywhere the American male looks these...
If You Can't Take Criticism, Get Out Of The Booth
NEW YORK (TNA) – Women have not earned their place in the broadcast booth, and announcers like Suzyn Waldman are the reason why.During the post-game broadcast after the New York Yankees were eliminated from the MLB playoffs, Yankees announcer Suzyn Waldman was given the task of...
A Women’s Guide To Sleeping With Professors
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Most coeds don’t know how to get their professor into the sack, and I’m just the guy to show them how.Let me present my credentials. Back in 1994 I taught Expository Writing, Business English, and World History at a college in the Boston area. No, it...
