Hanging With Porn Stars – Like Hanging With Your Sister

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – People often wonder what it’s like to hang out with porn stars. Well, you may already know, because these days a lot of women do porn. A lot. From that shy classmate to the girl who served coffee at Tim Horton’s, someone you know may very well have banged out a couple of scenes for some adult company somewhere. Trust me on this.

Although I’ve met a lot of porn stars, and hung out with a few, I’m really not the best person to ask. You see, I see porn stars. After working at Naughty America for a year now, every woman I encounter looks like she does porn. I walk through the food court at the mall, I see porn stars. I exercise at University of California San Diego, I see porn stars.

Leooard J. Ferry

Except for the tongue-licking and simulated cunnilingus in public, these porn actresses are just normal all-American women.

The most awkward moments are when I’m talking to a woman and I don’t know whether she does porn or not. My “porndar” is so out of whack I can’t tell Morgan Ray from Morgan Stanley.

I’ve learned that there’s no good way to ask a woman whether she gets paid to have sex on camera, or whether, say, she doesn’t. For someone like me, a writer for an adult entertainment company, merely asking the question is a lose-lose situation.

If I ask “Are you a performer?” and she isn’t, I’ve implied that the woman has sex for a living, or, even worse, that I just can’t tell. If, on the other hand, she is a performer, well then it’s shame on me. I work for a porn company – I should know these things.

At the Quaker high school I went to we never learned how to ask a woman whether she does porn or not. I used to think I went to a good high school. Now, I’m not so sure.

As for hanging out with porn stars, it’s like being with your sister’s crazy friend. Really, it’s like being with your sister, but I’ve learned to be careful how I explain that. An acquaintance once asked me what it was like to hang with porn stars, and I answered, “Well, what’s it like hanging out with your sister?” That didn’t go over too well.

One thing that happens far less than you think is sex between female performers and “civilians” (what performers call non-performers). Sure, it happens, but we civilians are outsiders. We just don’t know what it’s like to go in front of a camera and defend our nation’s First Amendment rights on a daily basis, for money.

Last weekend, for example, I hung out with porn stars in New York City, and would you believe I didn’t feel a single titty? Sad, but true. I had a few chances. At dinner on Friday night, Mika Tan’s left tit popped out of her blouse. I could have dropped my hand on it. I could have asked, “Mika, may I touch your tits?” But I didn’t.

Why? I don’t know. I’m a civilian. I didn’t want Mika to get in trouble with her superiors.

Naughty America

Whereas some porn fans see Mika Tan as a sex goddess unparalleled, Leopard J. Ferry sees his sister's goofy friend.

Though there’s little sex among porn stars and civilians, there’s a lot of public kissing, groping and fondling that goes on. Last weekend, porn chicks and non-porn chicks were making out and feeling each other up. A woman in our group even tried to go down on Mika Tan at a Manhattan sushi bar – which was hot.

Some people think I’m crazy, that I’m squandering the perks inherent to my job. A friend of mine compared me to a Saudi prince who’s sitting on a billion dollar oil field but refuses to drill.

On Sunday, my friend Ethan, who enjoys “scamming on pussy” and banging Craigslist hookers, called me. He got right to the point and asked, “So, did you fuck any of the porn stars this weekend?”

“No. But I got drunk with them and talked a lot about sex.”

“And you didn’t make a move?”

“No.”

Silence.

“What are you, a fag?”

“Listen, I’m hung-over. I’ll talk to you later.” Click.

The one time I touched a little skin, I got burned. I made the mistake of grabbing a girl’s ass at a bar down in SoHo. Turns out, she wasn’t a porn star and her boyfriend got pissed. Now, I’m not the kind of guy to go around grabbing chicks’ asses, but the girl was in our group. She was flaunting her ass. And remember, I see porn stars.