Naughty Horoscopes March 15-21
MARCH 14, 2008
On Palm Sunday, Give Yourself A Hand: Venus, Mars And The Vernal Sexquinox
The hot aspect between Venus and Mars this weekend is so steamy, we just had to bring it up again.
Saturday night need not be the loneliest night of this week, not at all. But if per chance you find yourself alone, what better way is there to celebrate Palm Sunday then by giving yourself a hand?
True, the Sun at these last guilt-ridden degrees of Pisces (March 15-19) could dredge up those ancient pangs of guilt associated with physical pleasure, but honey, that’s what those online confessionals are for!
Later this week (March 19 @ 10:48 p.m. PDT, March 20 @ 1:48 a.m. EDT), the Sun enters fiery Aries and the Astrological New Year begins. It’s time to set our sexual goals for the next 12 months and to commit to a year of sustainability through sex. Man (and woman) does not live by bread alone.
ARIES: A behind-the-scenes tryst with a fabulously forbidden fox (or fireman) could make this one of the most memorable weekends of your life. It may take a few days to recover from this sexual lost weekend of sorts, and when you do, you’ll have a completely different perspective on things and a totally new set of sexual standards that new partners will have to live up to. Lord help them.
LatinAdultery.com A showdown between Mercury and Saturn on March 17 will make it hard for Geminis like Jevanveve Jolie to connect, travel or be clearly understood.
TAURUS: Your sensuality and lust for pleasure knows no bounds and as a rule you’re able to satisfy every last cell in your body with no one being the wiser. But from the “good news travels fast” department, your Venus-Mars lustful weekend moves could land in the e-mail inboxes of many by Monday. But forewarned is forearmed: Little that you do will be kept mum for long. A family member is intensely curious about your sexual activity and for the next month he/she will make it a priority to keep tabs.
GEMINI: As your new Patron Saint of sexual indiscretion, former N.Y. Governor Eliot Spitzer (b. June 10), could tell you, there are always two of you to please. And it’s hard to keep them both happy and satisfied at the same time. This week, when the Sun enters Aries and revs up your 11th house of audiences, others will become aware of your sexual adventures and will cheer you on, so keep it legal. Take Saint Patrick’s Day off: The showdown between Mercury and Saturn makes it tough to connect, travel or to be clearly understood.
CANCER: As the king (or queen) of getting what you want by faking helplessness and then shocking your prey with your bag of tricks, you may be in for a rude awakening: No one is buying the act right now. So instead of putting yourself in a battle you just can’t win, pull back and let the object of your desire come to you when he or she is ready. Focus on home improvement, when all else fails, it’s the best therapy.
LEO: The temptation to chuck it all for what might be a sensational fuck overseas could overwhelm you and lead you down a path of no return. And though you’re a gambler by nature, the odds for this particular “throw of the dice” are just not in your favor. Pay attention to the books and plan for the future. Taking care of finances now will ensure many more worry-free sexual excursions later.
VIRGO: A spouse, significant other or former sexual partner who you’re still energetically bound to may demand that you expand your sexual repertoire to keep the relationship interesting. While you could be enticed into exploring a new adventure, it must be on your terms. The Sun enters your eighth house of forbidden pleasures on the 20th and what and who you do for the next month is nobody’s business but yours.
AssMasterpiece.com Leos like Charlotte Stokely should avoid blowing a big wad of cash on what, admittedly, could be a sensational sex-perience overseas.
LIBRA: Your time has cum. The aspect between Venus and Mars this weekend should not be taken for granted: Thrills and chills some Saturday morning (and evening) by way of your willingness to be the sub and to find ways of pleasing yourself by pleasing your partner. Acting the part of a hooker and bottoming out never felt this good before. And as all masters and mistresses know, the sub ultimately controls what happens behind closed doors.
SCORPIO: Stop looking for reasons to be miserable and try showing some gratitude for the good that’s been cumming your way of late. The fucking and fellatio marathon continues this weekend courtesy of the cooperative aspect between Venus and Mars. So do yourself a favor and stop projecting your inner bitch on those who live to serve you and stop calculating how much to give and take. The best sex always comes by way of surrender.
SAGITTARIUS: The abundance of water has made it difficult to keep your flames fanned to perfection and though there are many chances to take a dip in the sexual sea of love, there may be too many emotional strings attached.
But the tide begins to turn in your favor when the Sun enters Aries on March 20 and begins to revitalize your sexual philosophy. It may take another six weeks, but in May when your spring is really sprung, look out!
CAPRICORN: This week, as every angle of your chart is activated, the question is: Just how tough are you, baby? You’re your best when all cylinders are in motion and you’re keeping all the plates spinning. But there are just so many hours in the day and it’s still impossible to be in two places at once. The truth is you don’t have to make it any tougher on yourself than it already is -- with Pluto on your ascendant you’re in control and in the driver’s seat. Enjoy!
AQUARIUS: After this weekend of savory sex and an array of economic opportunities (don’t miss that part of it!), the focus moves to keeping the psychic vampires at bay. Different factions of your life are competing for your attention, and until you can work it out, it’s best to compartmentalize. The full moon on the 21st sheds light on a relationship you’ve been pondering. A short-term commitment may be a temporary option.
MySistersHotFriend.com Happy birthday to Holly West, who turns 28 on March 19.
PISCES: The Venus-Mars water trine is nothing short of a sexual drug and the potential depth of orgasmic bliss could knock you out for a few days. This is no joke. Ask if it’s possible for you to work from home for a few days. It may take till Friday (and the Sun’s entrance into Aries) to shake the energy and clear your head. After the 30th, it’s all business for the next month, so let all interested parties know in advance, lest they take it as a rejection.
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This Week's Porn Star Birthdays
March 15: Tia Tanaka (21)
March 16: Keeani Lei (27)
March 17: Memphis Monroe (23); Franchezca Valentina (24); Marsha Lord (30); Lexi Leigh (31); Roxanne Hall (32)
March 18: Vixen (23)
March 19: Holly West (28)
March 20: Faith Leon (23)
March 21: Starla Sterling (22)
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Models: Jenaveve Jolie; Charlotte Stokely
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