My Sexual Bill Of Rights

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – You know what grinds my ass? When a woman you once dated, slept with or pretended to be married to for the  tax benefits sends you a stupid article she thinks you’ll find funny.

DiaryOfAMilf.com

Doug Sorito's Sexual Bill of Rights guarantees a man's right to a threesome no later than the fifth date.

She actually sent two articles: One was titled “The Wife’s Bill Of Rights,” and was followed by “The Husband’s Bill Of Rights.” Included was a note that said, “I think you’ll find these cute.”

Wrong, sweetie.

Nothing I said or did during our brief exchange of sperm, eggs and Pabst Blue Ribbon would demonstrate that I enjoy “cute” articles. The only thing that I ever told her was cute was her 18-year-old daughter.

The first article was the standard housewife feminist dribble that says, “I get to do what I want because I am a woman.” That went on for nearly 1000 words.

The male version was just a lame crack written by some douchebag who was obviously trying to make sure he doesn’t offend his ball and chain. If you’re writing with one eyeball on how the little woman will react, you’re what Bugs Bunny would call “a maroon.”

Those crappy articles got me thinking about my own rights as a man. As a guy, I deserve to have certain standards met by my partners, and any woman who wants to do me (and you know you do) should accept these as gospel.

MyFriendsHotMom.com

Amendment 5: The right to fantasize about sex with your gal's friends and family.

The Preamble

I, Doug Sorito, in order to form a more perfect sexual union, establish these rules to ensure my ultimate satisfaction without messy things like your feelings or opinions getting in the way.

Amendment 1: The right to kinky sex no later than the fourth date.

If I have to wait until the third date for sex, I have the right to expect some kinky shit on that all-important fourth date.

Believe me, ladies, I understand your need to go at your own pace – even if it means inventing an arbitrary rule about waiting until the third date to have sex with me, Doug Sorito – especially when you’ve wanted me since the first time I saw you.

If I’m in the mood, I might go along with this no-sex charade for two dates just to see if you’re any good in the sack. Once I’ve followed your silly little rule through, though, I want the fourth date to be special: I want you to open up every possible orifice for my gratification.

That means you’re giving up your ass, you’re going to suck my balls and you’re going to show me photos of your hottest friends so that we can properly prepare for the requisite threesome on our fifth date.

Amendment 2: The right to have sex with you without bathing first.

I am a man of simple needs. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m thirsty, I drink. If I’m horny, I screw, and I don’t let antiquated societal rules about cleanliness get in the way. You should be flattered I want to do you, and not get in a huff just because I’d rather wash myself after getting dirty, rather than beforehand.

NaughtyAmerica.com

Amendment 6: During a threesome, a man has the right to focus on the new woman as long as he feels like without his girlfriend or wife getting jealous.

When you give me head and act like you’re doing me a favor, remember this: There are hundreds of women in Thailand who would fight to have my dick in their mouth.

Sometimes, we all do things we don’t want to. I have to pay child support. You have to give blowjobs, so deal with it. And do it like you enjoy it. Either look at me lovingly when my sausage is in your piehole or be prepared to spend the money to import a blowjob surrogate from Phuket  to service me.

Amendment 4: The right to stare at every woman I choose.

It is stupid for you to think that you’re the only woman I’m thinking about.

 It is idiotic for you to think that I’m not fantasizing about unrestricted access to the legs, ass and breasts of every lady who passes us at the mall.

Therefore, you are crazy if you think I’m going to stop just because we’ve been out six times and I sodomized you in the parking lot.

However, to show I’m not a complete ass clown, I will only leer at women who are your physical opposites. That means if you’re a blonde, I will only look at Asian or black chicks. If you are a member of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee,  I’ll only look at girls with big ones. And if you have a big ass, I will only focus my attention on petite women.

Amendment 5: The right to fantasize about sex with your friends and family.

Yes, I have the right to sit on your new couch and masturbate to pictures of your girlfriends or your college-aged daughter.

Masturbation makes me feel closer to the woman I’m currently with.

Housewife1on1.com

A man has a right to a decent blowjob without feeling like his partner is doing it out of pity.

Amendment 6: The right to have sex with your friends and family without having to pay attention to you.

When we have a threesome with, say, your hot female friend or your daughter in college, I have the right to focus my full attention on her for a few hours without you taking it personally.

Your hot female friend or daughter may feel like a third wheel, that is, unless I take extra time to massage her breasts and buttocks, lick her most intimate orifices and fuck her in a manner that her tight little ass and yummilicious pussy deserves. I may also want to show  her how much I appreciated her participation in the threesome by hooking up with her at a time or place when you are either unavailable or uninvited. Instead of being petty about it, you should be happy that I am sensitive to the feelings of your hot friends or family.

Amendment 7: The right to assume my erectile dysfunction is entirely your fault.

Any woman who’s screwed me knows sexual dysfunction is not a Doug Sorito problem. Believe me, it’s never happened before. I never have this problem. If you were a real woman, I wouldn’t be soft right now. Maybe if you invited your hot friend or daughter into bed with us, I’d rise to the occasion.

I am God’s gift to women, but I’m a reasonable person. That’s why I’ve limited my sex rights to seven. Believe me, I have the right to demand my sex partner has a body mass index below 33 percent, or is younger than 25, but I don’t feel I have to state these rights on paper in order to have them. Besides, those old hags at the Wal-Mart are often more grateful to taste my beef jerky than some stuck-up chick at Jamba Juice.