May Day Should Be A Day Off To Get Off
MAY 1, 2008
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Holidays in the United States allow us to recognize all things special to us: independence, civil rights, freedom of speech. But the government has yet to allow U.S. citizens a day to celebrate the one thing we care about most – sex.
That’s why the time is now to take May Day, strip it of its socialist-communist association (because that’s just not us) and align it with the hedonistic holiday it once was.
May Day, long ago, was a holiday known as Beltane, during which pagans would feast, fuck like rabbits in crop fields and dance around a maypole, all in the name of fertility.
Photo: Two Truths (Flickr) Beltane, or "Nirvana" set circa 1993
But as the years passed by, May Day became synonymous with International Workers’ Day, a holiday recognizing and supporting the eight-hour workday. Screw that.
Bring May Day back to its original roots – a holiday chock full of sex. That would give American morale the boost it needs.
And if it’s made a federal holiday, the best part would be that you’d get the day off to get off: You’d be getting paid while you’re getting laid.
Just imagine humping your wife in your tomato garden, then waving to the neighbors as they frolic naked around a decorated maple tree and saying, “Jim and Mary – Happy May Day!”
You could even do like “The Pagan Princess of Porn,” Trinity Morgana does and get carnal with your partner in a desolate desert locale. The only noise in the otherwise silent setting would come either directly from your flesh-pounding or the surrounding animals gawking at it.
As Morgana puts it, “My favorite is when I ride [my partner’s] cock with the desert wildlife all around, and the sounds of our sex and nature mixing.”
A federal sex-fest holiday would have other benefits, too.
First of all, sexed employees are happy employees. You know that one co-worker who complains that he’s overworked and underfucked? Give him the day off to go get his jollies and he’ll come back employee of the month.
Photo courtesy Trinity Morgana Trinity Morgana gets herself a little maypole every May Day.
Secondly, if every person in the country is spending their time screwing outdoors on the same day, then we’re saving the earth, people. Banging in nature means no unnatural lighting, no plug-in sex toys and no water-wasting shower sex.
Also, returning to the roots of the May Day holiday would give us the chance to flaunt our patriotism. To prove that we’re still the same flag-flying, beer-drinking, red meat-eating Americans we were set out to be. That we’re not giving up on any of the pursuits – independence, sex and booze (in that order) – our founding fathers based this great nation on.
There’s no doubt original MILF-hunter Benjamin Franklin would’ve supported a day designated for sex. He and Samuel Adams would’ve turned the Boston Tea Party into a booze cruise around the harbor.
Even in today’s politically correct climate, there may be a few former government officials – possibly Eliot Spitzer or Larry Craig – who could call in a few favors and get Congress to enact the old hedonistic May Day as a new federal holiday.
So lobby your local legislators for the old-school May Day, and get their loins a-stirrin’. They might even need a day off for a little feast and fornication of their own.
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