Bear Stearns Employees Got Dumped, Should Act Accordingly
MARCH 19, 2008
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – To all the employees at Bear Stearns: Top management left you with almost no assets and few options after the company’s sale to JPMorgan on Sunday night. They’ll make out nicely, however, when they slip into their new plum jobs around Wall St.
To put it in the afternoon talk-show vernacular, “You got dumped, girlfriend!!!!”
This ain’t no divorce. A divorce is different, sweetheart. You’d be walking away with new fake tits and a nice bundle of cash. Or, if you’re Heather Mills, $46 million and a house in London. Even a dolt like K-Fed, last seen driving a sweet Ferrari to and from his pad in the Hollywood Hills, makes out in a divorce.
Image: Scott Sorweid You got dumped, girlfriend!!! You gonna put up with that? Grab what you can!
But you? You get $2 per share, down from a Friday close of $30 and a 52-week high of $152. You’re Bridget Moynihan, knocked-up and traded in for Gisele Bundchen. You get nothing.
The problem is that you don’t realize this, girl. Oh no YOU DON’T! If you did, you wouldn’t be acting the way you are, updating resumes and filing all those class action suits.
This ain’t business – you’ve been dumped. Don’t you get it? You don’t have to do mature things like go to court and sue for dispersal of assets. When you’ve been kicked to the curb, you get to do bat-shit crazy stuff like stalk ex-lovers, vandalize property, and make spiteful homemade porn.
I don’t want to hear about how civil the Enron and Tyco employees were. They went through actual divorces that destroyed everyone involved. The CEOs went down with the shareholders and employees. Kozlowski is doing eight years in the New York State penitentiary and Lay died a broken man.
Your situation is different. You spent years shacked up with CEO Alan Shwartz and Chairman of the Executive Committee Alan “Ace” Greenberg. You were faithful! And when these jerks jump into the sack with their new partners, as they’re sure to do, they get the hot new sex and you don’t.
It’s enough to make a girl go CRA-ZAY-ZAY!
Society understands this, so what’s stopping you! Steal furniture from the Bear Stearns conference rooms. Unscrew the fixtures and sell them in Chinatown. (Copper wiring has particularly high resale value. Meth addicts in the Southwest have been stripping it from stadium lights for years.)
Hawk everything the company ever gave you. Get rid of those memories. Remember: Dell notebooks are the tennis bracelets of the corporate world. They’re yours for the selling. Get all you can get for ‘em on eBay.
Take home packets of coffee and sell them to the local coffee stand, then go back and nick the whole coffee maker. Bunn coffee makers last forever and make fabulous Christmas gifts.
Make Bear Stearns regret the day they dumped you: Shoot a homemade porn with multiple sex partners and post it on YouPorn. Talk trash about Shwartz and Greenberg as you ease into the action. After the pop shot, say something like, “Hi, Ace. I don’t love you anymore.”
Now that’s empowerment!
Like any girl on the mend, you’re entitled to spread false rumors about your exes. So why not whisper about Shwartz and Greenberg hiding expenditures for gay male hookers? Homosexuality and bogus expense reports are the herpes sores of executive recruiting: They may not be enough to scare off all suitors, but companies will think twice about getting into bed with the person.
Bear ain’t gonna give you anything in this breakup, girl, so grab what you can. And bring out the CRA-ZAY-ZAY!
--Leopard J. Ferry is a columnist for The Naughty American. He can be reached at: leopardjferry@thenaughtyamerican.com
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