Eliot Is Evil
MARCH 14, 2008
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Eliot Spitzer is evil.
As in Bert-evil. You remember Bert, the “Sesame Street” personality with the once-unimpeachable character. Bert (no known last name) rose to fame as the rigid voice of reason and saner half of the comedy duo “Bert & Ernie.”
Long the moral backbone of the PBS program, Bert suffered a dizzying fall from grace in the late 1990s when he was implicated in numerous heinous crimes, ranging from genocide to the assassination of JFK.
The Web Site “Bert Is Evil” (www.bertisevil.tv), a sort of TheSmokingGun.com for muppets, exposed Bert for the monster that he is. The site offers shocking photographic proof that Bert was involved in some of the darkest moments of the 20th Century: There’s the photo of Bert wearing a general’s uniform, standing next to Hitler, and another shot of him standing in the crowd just before President Kennedy's assassination.
bertisevil.tv Bert was a favored general of Adolf Hitler.
Additional photos emerged, showing Bert leading a KKK rally, standing next to Osama Bin Laden, and sexually assaulting “Sesame Street” cast member Prairie Dawn.
Now we have Eliot, the latter-day Bert, the former golden boy, undone not by TheSmokingGun.com for hand puppets, but an equally weighty publication, The New York Times (www.nyt.com).
And the ex-governor’s demise has been no less precipitous. One week he’s balancing New York’s budget, the next he’s resigning over his role in a high-priced prostitution ring.
Additional allegations have surfaced: He may have laundered money. … He may have broken the Mann Act, which prohibits running women across state lines. Where does it all end?
The Naughty American has uncovered at least three-dozen instances of Spitzer engaging in either criminal or deviant behavior since his days as a student at Harvard Law in the mid-80s:
February, 1984: Prior to graduating from Harvard Law, Spitzer sends dubious video resume to circuit judges around New York City. Citing the mantra “Impossible is Nothing,” Spitzer is seen on the video serving a tennis ball 135 m.p.h., bench pressing 785 lbs., and performing aerial tricks on home-made skis. The video, accompanied by a 14-page cover letter, circulates among judges and prosecutors across New York City, eliciting howls of derision and laughter.
Image: Scott Sorweid Spitzer stands in the Yankees' dugout shortly after injecting Roger Clemens with Winstrol.
March, 1989: Records show that Spitzer was an assistant district attorney in Manhattan, but federal investigators recently learned that Spitzer was really on the bridge of the Exxon Valdez, feeding shots to Captain Joseph Hazelwood.
May, 1998: Spitzer injects Roger Clemens with Winstrol in the men’s room at the Manhattan District Attorney’s office. Clemens goes on to win 20 games and the Cy Young Award.
September, 2001: Spitzer urges New England Patriots coach Bill Belichik to begin videotaping the defensive signals of the Patriots' opponents. Spitzer videotapes first three games of season for the Patriots. New England goes on to win Super Bowl XXXVI.
February, 2007: Spitzer flashes genitalia as he steps out of his SUV to attend the opening of a Manhattan martini bar. Authorities decide not to press obscenity charges.
April 3, 2007: Spitzer runs into Don Imus at cocktail party and offhandedly remarks that the Rutgers women’s basketball team is a bunch of “nappy-headed hos.” Imus digs the line and promises to use it on his show.
Image: Scott Sorweid Spitzer and Kid Rock party during happier times.
April 2007: Spitzer is kicked off a Southwest flight for wearing clothes that are “distracting” and “inappropriate.” The governor averts a public relations disaster when his aides throw a blanket on him and promise to keep him covered for the duration of the flight.
May, 2007: Spitzer caught selling HGH out of the governor’s mansion in Albany. The governor convinces former Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski to take the fall by promising him the Lt. Governor position in 2010.
October, 2007: Spitzer brawls with Kid Rock at a Georgia Waffle House. The governor avoids arrest by running and hiding in a nearby Long John Silver’s. Bad blood between Spitzer and Rock exists to this day.
More of Spitzer’s transgressions will inevitably surface – and none of us should be surprised. If we can learn anything from Eliot and Bert, it’s that muppets and politicians are human. In fact, they’re more human than the rest of us. They’re, quite simply, evil.
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