Elect A Tall, Slender Black Man Who Smokes
JANUARY 25, 2008
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – You know what I want to see in the Oval Office next year? A tall slender black man who smokes. And you know what I want the world to see when they think about screwing with the U.S.? A tall, slender black man who smokes, sitting behind that desk in the Oval Office.
I get a contact high just thinking about it. Our long national nightmare – the weak image projected by the executive office for the past 20 years – would finally end.
The last president who instilled fear and respect with demeanor alone was Ronald Reagan. He didn’t smoke, and he wasn’t black, but he stood tall and spoke with a smooth self-assurance reminiscent of Spaghetti Western gunslingers. Remember the Iran Hostage Crisis back in 1981? The Iranians were so intimidated by Reagan’s mere comportment that they released the hostages within minutes of his taking office.
Image: Scott Sorweid When Obama talks, children fall asleep and couples make love.
Then there are the poor Soviets. During the Geneva Summit in the winter of 1985 the media rolled footage of Reagan standing outdoors without a winter coat, waiting to greet a pale, bundled-up Gorbachev. God, that was some cool video. That was American ruggedness.
Since 1988, however, we’ve seen a succession of middle-aged white guys who smoke cigars and play golf at exclusive country clubs occupy the White House. These types of guys are easy enough to resent when they live among the general population, but when they occupy the Oval Office, our government has a fundamental image problem.
Elect Obama and we can restore our image around the world as a lean, rugged republic. We would also be seen as cool again, which I’m excited about.
Can you imagine a tall, lean black man becoming head of state for a nuclear power, any power? It’s unprecedented. We’d be breaking the nuclear color barrier. The world would eye us with trepidation – we’d just be too avant garde.
Then there’s the voice. The man has a cement mixer in his throat. Have you heard him speak? He sounds like he just chain-smoked a pack of Lucky Strikes 100s. In fact, he’s about 200 cartons away from doing voiceover work for James Earl Jones.
And there’s the smoking itself. Smoking is just flat-out cool – I don’t care what your parents told you. Grainy, long lens shots of Obama standing outside the White House taking long drags off Marlboro Reds would make me proud to be an American.
The only cooler scenario would be if Obama rolled his own, but I suppose that’s expecting too much of a president. Let me say this, the world needs to see shots of an American President sprinkling Drum and licking rolling papers more than ones of him or her on the deck of an aircraft carrier.
One thing Obama absolutely must do – were I in the Cabinet, I’d insist upon it – is bring back the “fireside chats” held by Franklin D. Roosevelt (incidentally, the last president to conspicuously smoke cigarettes). Dare to dream of the possibilities!
Obama’s chats could be broadcast on Voice of America TV and in front of an actual fireplace. He could stand by the mantle, lowball of scotch in one hand, cigarette in the other. He could talk about anything he wanted: politics, racism, broads.
“You see, the thing of it is, …” Obama would begin. Long drag. Sip of scotch. “We’re at a crossroads in our nation’s history.”
The fire would crackle as Obama flicks an ash into an ashtray given to him by the Emir of Qatar. He looks at the ember and ruminates. Relishes scotch.
He glances off camera and mumbles to an aide, “Rusty, could I have an unfiltered, please? … Thank you, sir.”
His voice would descend into a soothing baritone as he discusses coffee futures, jazz, whatever. Children would fall asleep. Couples begin to make love.
Now that, sir, is image rehabilitation. The entire world would tune in, and America would get its mojo back. Terrorists would want to hang out with us. The French would stop making fun of us. Parisians would insist on speaking English.
Speaking of the French, their leaders get to have mistresses and sex with hot models. Our leaders? They get to meet Billy Graham. Advantage: France. And we wonder why the candidate pool in this country is so weak.
Unfortunately, the presidency has become one of the most regulated and tempered positions in the world. If we want hipper candidates, we’re just going to have to let our presidents publicly drink, smoke, and pursue indiscreet sexual encounters with hot models, like they do in other countries.
Our image rehab starts with Obama, and no one else. Could you fathom, for instance, Hilary smoking and talking in a deep voice. It wouldn’t so much say “velvety smooth” as it would “Leona Helmsley.”
And our long national nightmare would get much, much worse.
-Leopard J. Ferry is a columnist for The Naughty American. He can be reached at leopardjferry@yahoo.com.
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