Porn: You May Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – There’s no doubt this country has a security problem. It’s been affecting our borders, our military and our children.

But now it’s affecting our ability to look at porn, and that just isn’t acceptable in my book.

Last week it was reported that a theft at a software developer could potentially expose the personal information of tens of thousands of Internet pornography consumers, including their e-mail addresses.

According to The Washington Post, Too Much Media, a New Jersey-based corporation that provides software tracking systems for hundreds of adult sites, reported that a thief had purloined a list of its clients’ usernames and passwords.

According to the newspaper, some clients claim that security may have been breached for as long as a year.

Oh goody. Now I’m envisioning a list called “Perverts You May Know” with my name and e-mail address on it being spit out into cyberspace. I can’t wait for the e-mails and phone calls, especially from Mom.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a pervert; I’m proud to be a porn viewer. My erotic DVDs are shelved snugly and publicly on my entertainment center between “All The President’s Men” and “Zoolander.” And I don’t bother to hide them when friends and dates come over.

However, that doesn’t mean my co-workers, neighbors or acquaintances should be able to point at me in public and call me out on skin flicks. Just knowing that at any moment some no-good crook could sell me out as a hardcore MILF-on-MILF aficionado is not cool.

Last November, state computers containing personal information of thousands of Florida Department of Children and Families workers were stolen. In 2006, a laptop holding the personal data of millions of veterans and active-duty military personnel was thieved from the home of a U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs employee.

And now this.

Hear me now: It’s got to stop. If life has come to the point where a man or woman can’t take a gander at Internet porn in comfort, whether it’s at home, work, the public library or the Wi-Fi friendly Starbucks up the street, something’s wrong. Isn’t this America, the land of the free?

What’s next? I can’t look at porn on my iPhone while I’m on the bus?

What stings even worse: The Post reported that no credit card information was stolen, and quoted Too Much Media owner John Albright as saying it appears the thief “was only seeking to harvest e-mail addresses for spam.”

Are you f*****g kidding me? If I’m getting this right, some idiot with way too much free time stole my porn registration information, excluding my credit card number, just so I can be inundated with e-mails advertising diet pills, erection-enhancement products and God knows what else?

It’s bad enough that I’ve now got to watch my back for anti-porn moralists who might track me down, egg my house and wag their self-righteous fingers at me. But knowing that it’s all just for the purposes of spam adds a little burn to the sting.

I can always recover from losing my money and dignity. But replacing my fantasy-fulfilling Internet porn with an inbox loaded with junk e-mail? That borders on catastrophic.

Like I said, this has got to stop. As porn viewers, we need to unite and create a think-tank focused on protecting our rights to comfortably watch hardcore sex scenes on the Internet, risk- and spam-free.

But I’ll leave that to the experts. Right now I’ve got to legally change my name, create a new e-mail account and buy a fresh new porn-site membership.