Screw You, I'm Roger Clemens

KATY, Tex. (TNA) – Legendary baseball player Roger Clemens appeared on the news show 60 Minutes on Sunday night to vehemently deny accusations that he used steroids.

It’s time for Clemens to give it up and admit he took it in the ass.

Clemens’ former trainer, Brian McNamee, told investigators that he personally injected Clemens with illegal steroids several times throughout the pitcher’s decorated career. Clemens claims McNamee is lying and that these incidents never happened.

Should Clemens ever decide to abandon the charade and acknowledge he used steroids, here’s what he should say.

Dear family, teammates, fans and friends:

I did it. So what?

You want to take away my Cy Young awards? Go ahead. My bank account will still hold millions. I'll still have my mansion in Texas and a hot wife. And I'll still have the memory of all the bitches I nailed on the road because, guess what, I'll still be Roger Clemens.

With or without the help of steroids, I'm still the greatest pitcher to ever play this game. You think a few shots got me seven Cy Young awards? Keep dreaming. I worked my ass off, and the only thing steroids did was keep me on the mound a few extra innings.

For the last few years, baseball has been run by a bunch of ostriches who would rather stick their heads in the sand than know what’s going on. It’s not my fault they couldn’t get their rules and testing straight. There’s a statute of limitations. You didn’t catch me then, so tough break chumps.

The New York Yankees gave me a $28 million contract to pitch 12 games. Why? Because I’m Roger Clemens, that’s why. Do you know another 45-year-old that would get that deal? Barry Bonds is the steroids king, and he wouldn’t have made it another three years.

Why? Because he’s not Roger Clemens.

I helped make this game. Sure players like Babe Ruth, Roger Maris and Jackie Robinson left their mark. But their impact on the game wasn’t even close to what I’ve accomplished. I’m an MVP. A two-time Triple Crown winner. I have more than 4,500 career strikeouts. 

And you think a couple of shots got me all that?

So I took a few drugs. You can’t swing a pine-tarred bat in a Major League locker room without hitting a player who ingested one drug or another.

You want to know what makes me different? I’m Roger Clemens.

You can't touch me. You can’t touch my career or my accomplishments. I did what I needed to do to make the millions, get the strikeouts, and outlast any other pitcher in the game.

You say you won’t respect me anymore? I don’t need your respect. I’ve got my money. I’ve had your admiration. I’ve had my name chanted. I’ve had your wives, girlfriends and daughters. I’ve had it all. 

I own this game.

Yours truly,

Roger Clemens

We know, Roger. We know.