How To Get A Happy Ending From Your Masseuse

NEW ORLEANS (TNA) – Getting a good massage is easy. There are lots of legitimate masseuses of both sexes who can rub, pound and stroke your body into relaxation.

However, finding a masseuse willing to provide that cherry on top of the masseuse cake known as a "happy ending" can be downright hard.

In more ways than one.

Sadly, what is considered part of the normal massage package in other parts of the world – namely, customer ejaculation – is considered indecent in America.

This little tale provides a happy ending.

Finding a masseuse willing to get touchy with your privates takes a little work, but here are some tips to help you determine whether your massage will end happily or otherwise.

Initial Encounter

1) Don’t go to massage parlors that emphasize sports fitness. The masseuses there are under the misguided impression that they can satisfy a customer by rubbing every muscle except the "love muscle."

Although Swedes have a reputation for sexual openness, folks who practice Swedish massage do not.

2) Do go to a massage parlor with a vaguely Asian name. If the massage place is named after an Asian city that is near a U.S. military base, such as Osaka or Subic Bay, there’s a good chance the masseuse will touch your nads without you even asking.

However, the folks who run Asian massage places (AMP) are constantly in fear of being busted by police who don’t understand the good work they do. That means if you’ve never been to a particular place, the "Mama-san," or masseuse, might give you a test before she decides to touch your testes.

"You been here before?"

Always answer "Yes." Even if you haven’t.

"Who did you see?"

Say you saw Sunny or Lee. Every AMP has an employee named Sunny or Lee. This will convince them that you are a valued customer.

3) Do attempt to visit a masseuse specializing in tantric massage. It is twice as expensive as an AMP, but tantric is a Sanskrit phrase meaning "handjob," so the so-called "release" is practically guaranteed.

Take a look at www.goddesstemple.com, a website devoted to women who practice tantric massage (and a few guys too). Some of the "holistic practitioners" offer "Sacred Spot Massage," which is a fancy word for "stick a finger in your butt"; "Goddess Worship," where you get to fool around with them; or "Cum Worship," which means you’ll definitely ejaculate.

That’s the good news. On the downside, you may have to deal with a lot of New Age mumbo-jumbo about finding the God or Goddess within, and the masseuse may wear a lot of cheesy scarves rather than hot pants and a halter.

4) Do go to masseuses who use ads with pretty girls. If you’re getting a real massage, it doesn’t matter what the masseuse looks like. Also, look for words like "sensual," "light touch" and "fresh off the boat."

Getting Situated

1) If you have the option of getting a hot bath with your massage, do it. Some masseuses are perfectly willing to give "hand releases" if they are sure the customer is clean, and the only way they can ensure that is by doing all the scrubbing. Plus, you have to be naked during the shower, so this helps convince them you’re not a cop.

2) When you undress, the masseuse will place a towel over your heiney. Take it off and tell her, "It’s too hot for this." This will give him or her a clue of what you’re really looking for. If the masseuse is inclined to tug your fishing tackle, he or she might give you a really tiny towel and say something like, "I am not allowed to remove this." If you act clueless, he or she might add, "By law, I -- meaning me -- the masseuse, am not allowed to remove this," and then point to you as if to verbally say, ``but YOU can."

3) Some masseuses might be open and ask, "Do you want a release?" This is someone you should treat very nicely, as they obviously understand the important elements of customer service.

During The Massage

1) Most massages begin with you on your tummy. Some masseuses – even the so-called legitimate ones -- like to tease you by brushing their hand near your crack. If he or she spends extra time there, they may be inclined to rub one out. Signify your interest by lifting your buttocks in the air to allow easy access.

2) Sometimes, the masseuse will try to make conversation. If he or she compliments you on your ass or sex organs, you have a good chance of receiving a happy ending. Another good sign: If they tell you that your muscles are so tight, you need some extra "body work."

3) Sometimes, wiggling your tongue during the massage will give them a hint of what you want, as will making moaning noises. Try and avoid moaning too loud because he or she might interpret that as a sign they’re doing something painful.

4) If the masseuse says they do a better massage if they’re naked or topless, take this as a good sign.

5) Keeping a $20 bill tucked between your toes can also be a subtle hint of what you want. However, some masseuses who only do hand releases if they feel "chemistry" may take offense at this (as well as the idea of holding a $20 bill that smells like toe jam).

During The Happy Ending

1) When the masseuse is pulling, prodding and probing your privates, it is considered polite to say things like, "Yum." Be vocal, but not too loud. Also, give a warning if you’re ticklish, because loud laughter is a turnoff to a masseuse who is trying to do a handjob.

2) It is best not to bring up topics of a personal nature during the "release." This is not the time to ask how she would feel if her daughter did this for a living. Nor should you ask how many times she does this each day. Generally, every masseuse wants each customer to think they are the only person getting a happy ending that day.

3) Let your masseuse tell you how far they want to go with the happy ending. One might only want to rub you out, while another may be happy to ride you out. There’s an old saying among massage maniacs: "Your mileage may vary." Sometimes, a therapist may simply be horny because they are turned on by you (maybe) or by the customer before you (more likely). Other times, they may be mad at their boyfriend and simply want a grudge fuck, and you just happen to be the beneficiary.

If A Happy Ending Looks Doubtful….

Sometimes the best plans of mice, men and massage go awry and even the most open-minded masseuse may balk at bringing the proceedings to a proper conclusion. Here are some things you can say that might change his or her mind.

1) "C’mon, I’m dying here." It only works about on 3 out of 100 times, but at the very least, they might squeeze some oil on you and let you go to town on yourself while they file their nails.

2) "I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking, but you’re just so durn purty." This line works best if your masseuse is extremely unattractive.

3) "The other masseuse does it." This works well. If they ask which one, just say "Sunny" or "Lee" There is always one or the other at any AMP. If you’re at a more holistic place, try the name "Epiphany."

4) Or, you can cut your losses by saying, "Good answer. I’m an off-duty police officer." This might ease your temporary embarrassment, but it will ruin any chances of getting a happy ending on return visits.

Afterwards…..

1) Lie there while the masseuse gets a hot wash rag to clean off your tummy. It is considered bad form to get dressed hurriedly.

2) Smile, smile, smile so the masseuse knows that their actions relaxed you.

3) Discreetly leave a tip on the counter. Don’t shove it in their hand.

4) Always say "Thank you," for a job well done.

Although you might not get a happy ending every time -- even if you go to the skeeviest massage parlor -- these tips can increase your percentage every time.

Image: AmericanDayDreams.com