2007: The Year of the Naughty American
DECEMBER 24, 2007
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Santa Claus did his part yesterday, rewarding those who were nice in 2007. Now it’s up to TheNaughtyAmerican.com to honor the year’s naughtiest Americans.
Determining who deserves to be Naughtiest American of the Year was no easy task for the editors since there were literally hundreds of worthy candidates – everyone from toe-tapping senators to dog-fighting quarterbacks to diaper-wearing astronauts.
Yes, 2007 was an exceedingly naughty year, and we’ve got the characters that made it happen. 
David Lonteen Larry Craig did more for toe-tapping in 2007 than anyone since Shirley Temple.
Larry Craig: Thanks to his infamous encounter in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport bathroom stall – which has since become a tourist attraction of sorts – Craig did more for toe-tapping than anyone since Shirley Temple or Bill “Bojangles” Robinson.
But the alleged sex solicitation that put Craig’s name on everyone’s list didn’t make him a naughty American – it was his steadfast denials that he is not gay, despite claims to the contrary from various homosexuals, including the guy who had sex with disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard (Class of 2006 Naughty American).
Yes, soliciting sex in a bathroom is naughty. But Craig’s refusal to resign from the Senate, despite subtle suggestions to do so by his Republican colleagues, took naughty to another level. After all, Naughty Americans follow their heart – or loins, in this case – regardless of what society thinks. Bravo, Sen. Craig.
David Lonteen New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was caught cheating, but refused to give a sniveling apology.
Bill Belichick: Yes, the cheating scandal early in the NFL season, when the New England Patriots head coach was fined $500,000 for secretly videotaping his counterparts on the New York Jets sideline, was definitely naughty. However, what makes Belichick a Naughty American who deserves to be praised, not buried, is his steadfast refusal to beg for forgiveness through a teary-eyed press conference.
Instead, he simply agreed to follow the orders of NFL officials and continued kicking ass. No crying, “I’m sorry.” No wimpy “Everyone else does it.” Nope. Just pay the fine and resume his naughty business as usual.
As a result, his critics had no choice but to bestow grudging respect; in fact, Belichick could end up winning NFL Coach of the Year honors. And even if he doesn’t, the real recipient will have to endure, “Well, Belichick would have gotten it if it hadn’t been for that cheating thing.”
David Lonteen If more women follow Britney Spears' lead and stop wearing panties, 2008 will be a truly naughty year.
Britney Spears: Let’s get one thing straight: Being a bad mother isn’t naughty; it’s just plain nasty. However, Spears did do one positively naughty thing in 2007: Ditching the undies and going commando in public. If other women follow this trend in 2008, we’re truly in for a naughty New Year.
Michael Vick: As mentioned in a TNA commentary earlier this year, if the Atlanta Falcons quarterback had organized catfights instead of dog fights, Vick would be a free man right now. Sadly, he chose pooches over pussies. The consequence: He’ll be dogged with a criminal record and a reputation for animal cruelty the rest of his life.
David Lonteen Michael Vick will be forever dogged with charges of animal cruelty
The fact that he is willing to take his medicine by accepting guilt and a jail term (albeit a plea deal) is commendable. However, Vick loses naughty points by claiming to have found Jesus Christ in the process. Although religion is an important part of millions of Americans’ lives (and an important tool for determining naughty behavior), nothing is more pathetic than a celebrity claiming he’s found God while hoping to avoid a lengthy jail term.
Don Imus: OK, calling the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team “nappy-headed hoes” is nasty, not naughty. However, Imus deserves credit for not claiming a religious conversion after he was fired. Also, while he apologized for his comments, he didn’t deny them. He also sued his former employers, for which he received a fat check and a nice vacation.
Now that he’s back on the air, he gets props for hiring two black comedians whose presence, no doubt, will allow him to say even nastier things. What’s the old saying: “Keep your friends close, and your nappy-headed hoes even closer”?
David Lonteen Don Imus is back on the air just months after being kicked off for racist statements.
Lisa Nowak: Perhaps it’s fitting that the most spaced-out fatal attraction since Glenn Close would be an astronaut. In most people’s book, attempting to murder a potential beau’s girlfriend is naughty, bordering on nasty, behavior.
It is, but Nowak does get praise for reminding other Americans about how handy diapers can be on a lengthy road trip.
Barry Bonds: Say what you want about his rude behavior, his surly attitude toward fans, his constant denials of steroid use, and everything else. But guess what: He doesn’t really give a shit what you think. Like it or not, that’s the attitude of a true naughty American.
Boston Red Sox great Ted Williams was another cranky bastard, and was equally controversial during his playing days. However, eventually his angry, surly personality was seen as a sign of strength. Perhaps that will be the case for Bonds one day, when the younger generation considers his petulance and irascibility a charming byproduct of old age, and not a damaging personality flaw.
David Lonteen Love-obsessed astronaut Lisa Nowak showed the world how adult diapers can be helpful on long road trips.
Hip-hop stars Foxy Brown, C-Murder, T-I, Kid Rock, Da Brat, Remy Ma: If TNA editors hadn’t made a concerted effort to celebrate naughty Americans from across the spectrum, this list might have been limited to hip-hop artists. Indeed, the year 2007 brought us a bad behavior bumper crop.
Why just in the last two months alone, Foxy Brown pleaded not guilty to charges that she threw a cell phone at a neighbor who complained about the volume of her car radio, and received 76 days in punitive segregation after she scuffled with another inmate at Rikers Island jail.
In other news, rapper C-Murder is set to go to trial – for a second time – for second-degree murder. And Clifford “T.I.” Harris Jr. was recently arrested on federal weapons charges.
Meanwhile, Kid Rock quarreled with Tommy Lee at MTV’s Video Music Awards last month, and was arrested after a brawl at a Waffle House restaurant in Atlanta; Da Brat got into an argument with a waitress, and later hit her over the head with a bottle of rum; and Remy Ma, who was accused of shooting an acquaintance in July over missing money, will also stand trial on gang assault and witness intimidation charges.
David Lonteen Barry Bonds sincerely doesn't care what you think about him.
What to do for an encore?
FEMA: The Federal Emergency Management Agency was clueless back in 2005 for its mishandling of resources before and after Hurricane Katrina. This year, the way FEMA officials handled the media during the California wildfires was just plain naughty. They held a fake press conference in which employees portrayed ass-kissing journalists who praised the agency’s response to the fires.
Most reprehensibly, it defied the unspoken rule of journalism: Only the media is allowed to fake the news. But officials like Mike Widomski, deputy director of public affairs, get naughty props for defiantly defending their fakery by saying, “If the worst thing that happens to me in this disaster is that we had staff in the chair ask questions that reporters had been asking all day, trust me, I’ll be happy.”
And if FEMA finds a way to make next year’s list, we’ll be happy too.
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