Free Stuff Ain't What It Used To Be
NOVEMBER 20, 2007
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – It wasn’t supposed to be this way. What you’re reading now, that is.
This was designed to be the first-ever “Naughty American Gift Guide,” a list full of hot, stylish (and naughty) items that TNA readers could peruse and use while scouting for holiday gifts.
Instead, I learned that free stuff isn’t worth the price you paid for it.
Let me explain how “gift guides” usually work in the world of journalism: Generally, around September, underpaid journalists will look at their finances and realize they are too poor to afford Christmas gifts.
That’s when they suggest to the editor that the publication run a gift guide as a service to readers. In reality, it’s a service to the writers, who get an influx of free stuff, much of it really cool, which they then parse out to family and friends after writing a clever, funny or snarky blurb about the products.
Let’s face it: There’s nothing like hearing, “Wow, you get such cool stuff at work.”
So, when I was hired as editor of TheNaughtyAmerican.com, one of the first things I proposed to the publisher was a gift guide.
Barbie's trampy cousin: the perfect gift
“We’ll get all sorts of cool stuff,” I said. “Trust me. There are companies who will gladly send items to publications for consideration. I got a vacuum cleaner once.”
He was impressed. A free vacuum cleaner will do that.
So a few months later we sent word out to the PR industry, letting folks know that TNA was in business and planned to publish a gift guide around Thanksgiving. Then we sat back and awaited the glut of free goodies that would surely come our way.
We imagined we’d be knee-deep in Wiis, barbecues, cars, stereos, wine and other high-end items.
What we ended up with, for the most part, was junk – the type of junk you wouldn’t even regift, let alone pass off in a “Secret Santa” exchange.
Don’t believe me? Check out some of these beauties:
The USB Pole Dancer (BLUW.com): Basically, it’s an articulated doll that looks like Barbie’s trampy cousin. When plugged into your computer’s USB port, it writhes around a stripper pole to the 30-second dance track thoughtfully provided in the package. You can also connect it to your MP3 player – but frankly, no stripper looks sexy slinking around a pole to the tune of “A Love Supreme” by John Coltrane. This product, perfect for the hard-to-buy-for perv in your life, sells for a whopping $39.95.
Will it be a Nozin Christmas?
I think the most appropriate reaction came from the boss himself: “This sucks!”
Nozin Nasal Sanitizer: A curious choice for a stocking stuffer. It’s just some swabs soaked in alcohol and other “natural ingredients” that you’re supposed to dab around your nose when you’re in the presence of someone germy. A pack of 10 swabs sells for $9.95.
To be honest, I thought this was a good idea, until I made the mistake of giving them to my wife for her birthday.
“Huh? Huh? So what do you think? Pretty cool, right?”
“I prefer jewelry.”
Men: Learn from my mistakes.
Think5 Nutrition Bar (SIC): This line of nutrition bars is supposed to be super-healthy. Not only are they vegan, they’re also gluten free.
And they also taste terrible. Seriously. And this from a guy who wolfs down free food whenever possible. I was excited when these came to the office…until I tried them. Even the hippie vegan intern won’t touch them.
Vegans won't even touch this.
I’ve eaten healthy food that tasted good before, so I did some research to see if there was a reason why the bars were so offensive. Well, here’s a clue: The person behind them is a former fashion model. To be honest, models don’t make it in the world of fashion for their love of good-tasting food. In fact, they usually avoid it. The bars sell for around $3 at http://www.thinkproducts.com/, but I don’t think your recipients will be happy.
Duke’s Mayonnaise: OK, this is good mayo. I just have a hard time imagining giving this stuff to a loved one. Maybe it’s me. However, you can buy a jar at grocery stores in the U.S. south for around $2 or, if you live elsewhere, you can purchase two quarts for $15 at Dukesmayo.com.
Somehow, I don’t think you’ll hear the following dialogue on Christmas:
“Daddy! Daddy! Santa brought me mayonnaise! This is the best Christmas ever!”
But I could be wrong.
Mr. Happy Crack (thecrackteam.com): This does get points for balls. The Crack Team is a St. Louis, Mo.-based company specializing in foundation repair. Its mascot is “Mr. Happy Crack,” a concrete slab who appears on all sorts of products such as T-shirts (around $20 depending on the style), bobbleheads ($19) and boxers ($21). There are even baby clothes featuring Mr. Happy Crack ($5 each).
Still, I can’t picture even poor kids waking up Christmas morning, racing to the tree and tearing open the wrapping to their very own Mr. Happy Crack doll ($13). Pass.
Screaming Monkey Slingshot (thinkgeek.com): This is a slingshot that looks like a simian superhero, complete with a mask and cape. Just slip two fingers into the pockets on his hands, pull back the hind legs and watch him fly across the room. The monkey lets out a cackle upon landing that sounds like this: “OO-EE-EE-AH-AH-AAAAAH-OOOO!”
Spread holiday cheer with Mr. Happy Crack.
Actually, I thought this was a cool product and took it home to my daughter. She loved it – a little too much. At 2 a.m. she decided to try it out, and I got to hear that loud, annoying monkey cackle for hours.
“OO-EE-EE-AH-AH-AA-AAAH-OOOO!”
Save it for when you need a gift for a child, and you hate the parents. At $6.99, it’s a scream.
Cheesy Sign: I don’t know who this came from, but someone sent us a black-and-white wood sign with a polka-dotted ribbon that reads: “If it has tires, or testicles, it’s gonna be trouble.”
Again, I can’t imagine giving this as a gift. (Price: Who cares?)
Some Weird Metal Sculpture That Looks Like The Tin Man From “The Wizard Of Oz” Breaking A Golf Club: It’s supposed to hold a bottle of wine, but I wouldn’t do that to a nice bottle of wine that never hurt anybody.
The Fretlight was a big hit around the TNA office.
The Associate Editor put it this way: “Wow, that’s a piece of crap.” (Price: I’ll pay someone to take it away).
To be fair, not everything pitched to us by eager publicists was a complete dud. For instance, there’s the Fretlight (http://www.fretlight.com/), a guitar that hooks up to a USB port and comes with downloadable software that offers tutorials.
The frets light up in the exact spots where you’re supposed to put your fingers in order to duplicate a killer solo. And you can slow down the music to a point where you’re able to play it. Good stuff, especially for only $399 (the electric model sells for $499).
In fact, the TNA staff spends much of its days strumming the model we recently received. As a result, we’ve composed at least one gift-guide ditty that includes this gospel-inspired chorus: Free gifts suck/ Free gifts suck/ Whoa Lord, these free gifts suck.
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