SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Let’s see, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame recently announced its class of ‘08 inductees and, as you many of you know, Madonna and John Cougar Mellencamp made the cut.

Madonna and John Cougar Mellencamp. … Hmmm. … Would you excuse me for a moment? Thanks.

MADONNA!!! JOHN-F---ING-COUGAR MELLENCAMP!!!!! … WHAT THE F---!! WHO’S NEXT, PHIL COLLINS? HUEY LEWIS? HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH! UGHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Back. Calmer. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has no balls. Or maybe I just don’t know what rock is. I thought it was an upbeat extension of the blues created by the rebellious and disenfranchised. It was as much about attitude as music.

Madonna simply is not rock. She’s pop. She belongs in the Pop Hall of Fame, wherever it is. There isn’t one? Too bad.

And how does Mellencamp make the cut? The guy’s a part of the Dockers-wearing establishment. It’s bad enough he’s from Indiana, but the guy sings unforgivably bland songs about loving his country. “Our Country” is so inoffensive and patriotic that Chevy thought it the perfect jingle for its pickup trucks. Remember “R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.” What can you say – the guy loves singin’ in the U.S.A.

The question is, where’s the ‘tude, the protest, the rebellion that symbolizes rock? All it takes is one song: a raunchy dance tune, an anti-government anthem, or a screed against women or wealth.

Take Buffalo Springfield, a band with Stephen Stills and Neil Young, inducted into the hall in 1997. They wrote “For What It’s Worth,” a protest anthem about police cracking down on youths in Los Angeles in 1966. That one song established them as rock icons.

You realize that at the rate we’re going Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are going to be inducted. Don’t laugh. Hey, if Madonna and Mellencamp get in, then the flood gates have OPENED.

Hall voters will rationalize Spears and Timberlake the same way they’ll justify Madonna and Mellencamp: by establishing tenuous credentials.

“Pop is rock!” they’ll say of Madge. “And she did it brilliantly.”

“Mellencamp isn’t bland!” they’ll cry. “He’s wholesome. There’s a difference.”

Whatever. If a whiff of Rock N’Roll is all it takes, though, let’s cast a larger net.

Why not induct Yanni, Zamfir, and the Wiggles? They’ve done some great work. “Yanni Live at the Acropolis” is one of those underrated albums that influenced a generation. Zamfir? You can’t deny the influence the pan flute has had on rock. And the Wiggles – I think I read somewhere that they influenced Keith Richards. Or maybe it was Crispin Glover. Oh, crap, maybe I dreamt that last part.

People around the world associate Rock N’Roll with America, so it’s embarrassing to have the Hall of Fame induct a non-rock act like Madonna, and a flag-waving hayseed like Mellencamp.

To determine if an act is worthy of the Hall of Fame, I like to play a little game in my head called “Rock vs. Terrorists.” The location: a ridge somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan. On one side of the ridge are a dozen terrorists. On the other side is the band. Who wins? If the act is Hall-worthy, they win. Period.

For example, Led Zeppelin beats the crap out of the terrorists. When Zep was in its prime, you didn’t ever want to run into those guys over the hills and far away. You’d find yourself eviscerated with your intestines dried, bleached, and used as Jimmy Page’s guitar strings.

Parliament wins, too. Would you ever want to go hand-to-hand with those dudes? They’re berserkers from another dimension. They wouldn’t hit you with conventional weapons. They’d just bring the funk down so hard, you’d collapse into a spasmodic, pulsating mess.

I’ve played the game teaming Madonna and Mellencamp – MadonnaCamp! – and their musicians, and it’s not pretty. The scenario looks something like this:

“America, land of Rock N’Roll! We will rock you! We will rock you!” someone from MadonnaCamp yells over the ridge.

“We don’t know if we want to go through with this,” a nervous terrorist shouts back. “Who’re you sending after us?”

“John Cougar Mellencamp!”

(laughter)

“We’re petrified. Who else?”

“Madonna.”

(silence)

“Erm, we kind of like Madonna,” the terrorist replies. “Nice pop. Very dancible. We’re gonna miss her.”

MadonnaCamp wouldn’t make it off the ridge. Frickin’ embarrassing.

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