LOS ANGELES (TNA) – “Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!”

Those immortal words from Lauren Graham, said while doing you-know-what on you-know-who’s north pole in “Bad Santa,” size up our thoughts about holiday movies.

Tis the season for crappy Christmas flicks to litter the television landscape. We’re so sick of the sight of them that we want to blast a giant bullet hole in the TV set, the same way Gary Busey did in “Lethal Weapon.”

If all holiday movies were like “Die Hard,” “Lethal Weapon,” “Cobra” or “Three Days of the Condor,” in which Christmas is a minor element of the story at best, as if Christmas is just another day of the year, it would be palatable.

Alas, Christmas flicks are usually packed to the brim with phony feel-good platitudes and sappy, saccharine endings. If you’re like us, too much yuletide niceness leaves an awful aftertaste.

But here’s how to counteract the overdose of cinematic Christmas cheer: Sample any of these 10 naughty Christmas movies and you’ll be back to your usual “bah, humbug” self in no time.

“BAD SANTA” (2003) -– This is the anti-Christmas classic. As Billy Bob Thornton puts it, “I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.” He’s also a conman who loots department stores with the help of his foul-mouthed midget “Little Helper.” Suffice it to say there’s nothing saintly about this Nick. When a child asks why his white beard isn’t real, Bad Santa explains that the beard fell out when he was ill after he “loved a woman who wasn’t clean.” A “Bad Santa” viewer with nothing better to do actually counted the curse words: The 243 profanities he tallied included 147 “fucks” and 34 “shits.” The unrated DVD version ups the total to more than 300 naughty words, probably a record for Christmas movies. There’s nary a hint of redeeming value to the defiantly inappropriate story and, refreshingly, there’s no moral or message either, unless you count, “Shit happens when you party naked.”

“NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION” (1989) -– In this, the ultimate Christmas cautionary tale, Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold has a major meltdown after trying and failing to give his family the perfect holiday. His 25,000-light outdoor display doesn’t work right; the cat gets electrocuted after gnawing on the light cord; the tree gets burnt to a crisp; there’s a squirrel running amok in the house; and Clark has learned there will be no bonus this season, even though he’s already spent the money. He winds up losing his sanity and kidnapping his boss. Nevertheless, Clark declares, “We’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”

“SCROOGED” (1988) -– This movie almost gets omitted from our list because Bill Murray’s character, cynical TV executive Frank Cross, sees the “error” of his ways by the film’s finale. Before he finds redemption, however, Frank is an absolute hoot. When the network prop guys have trouble making antlers stay on a live holiday mouse, for example, Frank suggests, “Did you try staples?” And we’re left wishing that Frank’s gun-porn action classic, “The Day the Reindeer Died,” which teams tough-guy Lee Majors with an AK-47-toting Santa and commando elves, really had been made.

“BLACK CHRISTMAS” (1974, as well as a 2006 remake) -– This is the story of a psycho killer hiding in a house populated by sexy sorority girls. What’s not to love? The original, starring Margot Kidder and Olivia Hussey, is one of the granddaddies of the holiday slasher movie genre, actually predating “Halloween.” Curiously, it was directed by Bob Clark, who also directed the feel-good favorite “A Christmas Story.” The 2006 remake isn’t as chilling, but the sorority girls (including Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Crystal Lowe, Michelle Trachtenberg and Lacey Chabert) are a delectable bunch, so choose your poison.

“JACK FROST” (1996) -– Not to be confused with a same-named Michael Keaton flick. This one is about a serial killer who, thanks to a freak accident, turns into a homicidal snowman. And talk about anti-Christmas cheer: Jack slays one fellow by shoving an ax down his throat. He strings up a woman like a Christmas tree. And he rapes sexy Shannon Elizabeth with his carnal carrot nose!

“THE REF” (1994) -– “The spirit of Christmas is either you’re good or you’re punished and you burn in hell!” That’s a sampling of the twisted holiday cheer you get from this Denis Leary tale, in which a cat burglar takes a bickering family hostage on Christmas Eve. The mean-spirited take on family holidaze is funny because it’s true to life. 

"SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT" (1984) -– This is the sick story of a boy who witnesses the murder and rape of his parents, at the hands of a criminal dressed as Santa. Naturally, as an orphaned teen, he goes on his own rampage of Santa-suited slayings. Memorable for scream queen Linnea Quigley’s presence as well as for the four increasingly disturbed sequels. There’s also a 2008 remake in the works—so as Killer Santa said in the original, “Merry fucking Christmas!”

"SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT" (1974) -– There’s no knife-wielding Santa in this one, no lascivious teenagers, no strained Christmas puns after every ho-ho-homicide. But this dark slasher movie is still a bloody good time. The story involves a creepy old mansion that used to be an insane asylum, a New England town in which the mayor and other community leaders have big secrets, and a phone-prank-playing maniac.

"SANTA CLAWS" (1996) -– A “B” horror flick about a “B” horror movie actress being stalked by a deranged fan, a killer Santa with a claw. It’s most notable for the presence of top-dropping Debbie Rochon, who will revisit the naughty Christmas genre next year in “Bikini Bloodbath 3: Bikini Bloodbath Christmas.”

"GREMLINS" (1984) -– The story involves a litter of mischievous monsters that wreak havoc on a small town at Christmas. But our favorite moment is when leading lady Phoebe Cates shares this holiday memory: “I was 9 years old. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. Me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney, his arms loaded with presents. He was going to surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

Here’s wishing a naughty Christmas to all.

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