Time Is Nigh For ‘No Senator Left Behind’

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SAN DIEGO (TNA) – After the latest string of congressional malfeasance it may finally be time for Congress to introduce a federal No Senator Left Behind program. The initiative would ensure that all of our nation’s legislators, regardless of political affiliation or constituency, receive the attention and after-session care they deserve.

Senators are our most precious resource. By providing a structured environment rich with goal-oriented activities, both around the Capitol and in home states, we can work to preserve the bounty that is our nation’s legislative body.

In passing No Senator Left Behind, a handful of initiatives could immediately be put into place. First, Congress could implement a peer mentoring program in which senior senators educate freshman about the temptations that often beset first-term legislators, such as gay sex and OxyContin.

Second, Washington could provide cultural awareness workshops that dispel the stereotypes engrained in many multi-term incumbents. Senators with more than four years of service, for example, would be conditioned to see congressional pages as more than sex objects and learn that interns have office skills beyond the ability to perform fellatio.

Third, at-risk legislators could be closely monitored. Senators from broken states, such as North and South Carolina, and the Dakotas, would be enrolled in esteem-building activities that provide a lasting sense of self-worth. They could spend summers with senators from Texas and New York, to see how strong, intact states function.

In addition, Congress could standardize all voting so that no senator is singled out for their point of view. A “nay” becomes a “yea,” and vice versa. Ultimately, one’s voting record will become irrelevant, and senators will be judged purely on legislative aptitude rather than performance.

Finally, Capitol Hill could institute an intensive restroom assimilation program. Disadvantaged senators – those unaccustomed to using restrooms for evacuating one’s bowels – would be instructed how to use urinals, sinks, and, under supervision, open-entrance stalls.

A No Senator Left Behind program would put our nation’s legislators on the path towards becoming productive, well-adjusted members of society. It would ensure that no senator, no matter how small the home state, falls through the cracks. Through a combination of peer supervision and education, No Senator Left Behind would keep senators out of our restrooms and put them on the senate floor, where they belong.

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