Naughty Resolutions Often More Fun…And Successful

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – It’s nearly 2008, and people are already telling me their New Year’s resolutions: Get in shape, quit smoking, pay off debt, get organized, etc.

DiaryOfAMilf.com

Resolution No. 1: Seducing the MILF who used to babysit you.

“F**k that s**t.”

That’s right. Why? Because none of those pea-brains will ever accomplish such things, making it a complete waste of time to even pretend they will – especially when they made the exact same resolutions last year.

Worst of all, they know it, and so do you.

It happens every winter, in the two weeks or so before and after New Year’s. Somehow, people become gung-ho with delusions of grandeur, setting goals that, while not impossible, are highly improbable. So basically impossible.

For example, a friend of mine insists he’ll quit smoking – again – in 2008.

Ha! Trust me: It won’t be more than a few days before he’s sitting at a bar deciding it’s downright un-American to hold a pint in one hand without a cigarette in the other. In no time he’ll be puffing away, sheepishly counting down until 2009.

Now I’m not singling anybody out, or calling anyone weak. Hell, until this year I was making plenty of goody two-shoes New Year’s resolutions – save money, drink less, volunteer to help the less fortunate.

Did I stick with any of those in the 12 months I allowed myself? Hell, no – I didn’t even bother trying.

But now I realize what I’ve been doing wrong. Had my resolutions been naughty instead of nice – nail my sister’s hot friend, claim my dog and houseplants as tax dependents, use my parents’ emergency funds to “find myself” in Amsterdam – I would have fulfilled them all before spring…or, at the very least, happily died trying.

In turn, I would have felt much more productive, proud and satisfied with myself for actually accomplishing goals I’d set out to reach.

Plain and simple: It’s a hell of a lot more fun, and therefore easier, to fulfill resolutions that compel you to do things you normally wouldn’t, but always wanted to. Otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for another year of false hope, failure and stress.

So, like I said, screw that. No New Year’s resolution is ever gonna get the best of me again. From now on, I’ll be singing “Auld Lang Syne” every Jan. 1 at midnight with an outstretched middle finger.

Josh Sibelman

Vowing to start making moonshine is more likely to be a successful New Year's resolution that, say, promising to stop smoking.

When the ’08 ball crashes down in Times Square, I plan to kick ass with an arsenal of naughty resolutions I’m confident I can achieve over the next 12 months. They include, but aren’t limited to:

-- Making my first visit to the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada (and becoming a satisfied customer)

-- Joining the Mile High Club

-- Investing all my inheritance on “red” at an Atlantic City roulette table 

-- Starting a moonshine collection

-- Banging my MILF neighbor who used to babysit me (should be easy – because she’s easy)

Not only can I attain these goals, I want to, and I want to enjoy the process of attaining them (especially the babysitter).

Why? Because when the choice is between losing weight by way of a lettuce diet and having sex with a mom hotter than most college chicks, I’m taking the latter.

So before the ball drops this year, I’ll kindly tell my friend to forget about quitting smoking again. Rather, I’ll advise him to perhaps consider spending some of that remaining college graduation money on a first journey outside the country – a “retreat” to Tijuana fit with hookers, tequila and anything else down there with the power to heal.

And as an added bonus, he can suck down all the Marlboro Reds he wants.

I have no doubt my friend will fulfill his resolution before summertime. And he’ll feel a hell of a lot better about himself in the process.

So please, don’t sit around dreaming about that orgy party you’ve always wanted to host – make it a point to actually DO IT. Once you have, you’ll be ready to take on the world.