Alexander Graham Bell: Asshole
DECEMBER 31, 2007
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – According to a new book, Alexander Graham Bell didn’t invent the telephone. Well, of course he didn’t! Elisha Gray did. But Mr. Gray doesn’t get the credit, because he played by the rules – meaning he didn’t bribe patent clerks or hire pit-bull lawyers to suppress rival claims, as Bell did.
Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. Inventors have been ripping each other off for millennia. Ever since the dinosaurs invented the wheel has mankind been appropriating scholarly works as its own.
Remember, the best inventors aren’t the ones with the best ideas. They’re the ones with the best lawyers. In fact, most famous inventors are pricks, but nobody knows this because the lawyers have all filed injunctions against history book publishers to prevent them from writing the truth.
Image: Scott Sorweid Alexander Graham Bell sits in front of some "party lines" in an undated photo.
For example, few people know of the conversations that occurred after Bell said “Watson, come here. I want to see you!” on July 1, 1875.
Two days later, Bell, who had been partying with young boys and binging on cocaine to celebrate his invention, called up his assistant and said, “Watson, you turd. Bring me an Absinthe.”
“Yes, sir,” Watson is said to have replied.
This simple exchange never made any of the history books. It’s a part of American history the phone companies don’t want you to know about.
Bell’s lawyers have also suppressed any information pertaining to the following day, when a disheveled Bell rang his assistant and said, “Watson, how would you like it if I hooked up electrodes to your testicles? You wouldn’t like it too much, would you?”
Nor will you read about the call Bell made later in the week, when he ordered Watson to “make little girly sounds.”
Then there were the calls where Bell demanded to know what Watson was wearing, and “anonymous” calls when Watson reported hearing heavy breathing and masturbatory sounds on the other end.
Bell denied making the anonymous calls, but Watson identified the furious lathering sound as familiar emanations from the office of his associate. That, and, well, only two telephones existed at the time.
You can bet the new book, “The Telephone Gambit: Chasing Alexander Graham Bell’s Secret” by Seth Shulman, won’t mention any of this. Thank the lawyers. They’re the reason why the truth about other inventions and discoveries hasn’t yet surfaced.
If you think Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, I’ve got some land in Florida you might want to buy. He didn’t invent #&%$ -- A Brit named Sir Humphry Davy invented the light bulb. But Edison was running women on the side and promised his bottom lady to the patent examiner in Geneva.
And the Wright brothers? They weren’t the first in flight. A Brazilian named Santos Dumont was. But the Wright brothers were the first to get high, … with the editors of the Scientific American and New York Times. In fact, they supplied the editors of several publications with marijuana and enough hits of ecstasy to get favorable coverage of their bogus “flights.”
But don’t expect to read these versions anytime soon. The winners get to write history.
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