Airlines Lower Standards For Pilots, Open Way For Hookers And College Kids

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Several airlines in the U.S. have lowered their hiring standards to attract more pilots. You know where they’re heading, right? Toward lowering the requirements so much that normal people – people who don’t even care about aviation -- could become airline pilots. Think of the possibilities: sex workers, housewives, college kids, … all flying us around the country.

Scott Sorweid

Jamie Lynn Spears may soon be able to find work as a pilot thanks to new regulations lowering the required flight time.

According to a December 18 article in The Wall Street Journal, American Eagle recently lowered required flight time by 25 percent, from 800 to 600 hours. At United Airlines and US Airways, the required time is 500 hours. Not to be outdone, American Eagle currently states on its web site that pilots with 450 hours are being considered.

That’s nothing. It’s the equivalent of working full-time for 12 weeks, or a summer job. And candidates don’t need a college degree. They only need to be 21 and a U.S. citizen – kinda like sex work!

Now that the airlines have lowered the bar, they could set up Winter break and Summer vacation programs where hungry college kids and sex workers could earn a little spending money. It used to be that college kids and hookers fell back on waiting or bartending. Now they can fall back on flying.

The excuses would be the same: “I’m just flying until I get a real job,” or “I’m flying to save up for school.”

Landings might be a little bumpy, but as long as everyone knew that their pilot was a stripper or a kid at State, everyone could sit back and relax.

The program, naturally, would take some getting used to. You’d have pilots bringing guitars on long flights and clapping when the plane lands. Some would give Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy updates over the intercom, or do Chris Crocker impressions. Generally, everyone would benefit.

But that’s not to say that some behavior wouldn’t be annoying. A pilot repeatedly asking what “fuselage” means would irritate me. So would a pilot who frequently refers to his training on “Microsoft Flight Simulator.”

And a pilot demanding that passengers salute him would get old quickly, as would a pilot who asked, “Is there a pilot in the house?” whenever the plane hit turbulence.

But hey, as long as the tickets are cheap, and the plane doesn’t land tits-up, passengers can live with these things.

The whole program could be undone by veteran pilots, however. They’re a catty bunch, and it’s entirely possible that they may not like hookers and college punks flying with them. I decided to ask Paolo the Pilot, a friend of mine and a commercial pilot with 15,000 hours of flight time what he thought.

“They could hire monkeys for all I care,” said Paolo. “I don’t give a f----.”

Moving on, I asked how we could all know whether an inexperienced pilot was behind the stick.

“The plane hits the ground so hard the passengers’ fake teeth fall out,” he snapped. “Or passengers leave teeth impressions on the foam headrest in front of them.”

Paolo referred me to Mack, a buddy of his who’s been flying commercial for over 18 years. Mack has fewer anger issues.

“The younger pilots are all smart guys,” he said, “But there’s no substitute for experience. As a captain, you have to babysit sometimes.”

And how do you tell they’re inexperienced? Crocker impressions? Spears updates?

“They don’t land on center line,” Mack replied earnestly. “They use up a lot of runway.”

So veteran pilots appear to be split about hookers and frat boys flying. But they’ll have to get used to it. It’s gonna happen. In fact, at the rate the airlines are easing requirements, pregnant high school students will be flying planes. That means even Jamie Lynn Spears will be able to make a few bucks around the holidays.