What's New With Me? Read My Profile

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – You know what chaps me? People I haven't seen in a while who e-mail me and say “What’s new?” I send a thoughtful reply, and finish with the same question, “What’s new with you?” Then I never hear from them again.

Lazy fuckers.

Come on, people. Your not returning my e-mails is called “sloth.” It’s one of the seven deadly sins. You’re all going to Hell. And because you’ve gotten something for nothing, let’s throw in “greed,” too.

Scott Sorweid

Now, if you had just asked your question and followed it with a few paragraphs about yourself, we could have avoided your eternal damnation.

An ex-girlfriend recently pulled the “What’s new?” Only, it was more insidious. It was the “How HAVE YOU BEEN!” When you get one of these, you act.

A few hours later, I sent a tasteful three paragraph reply, finishing with the standard “So, what’s new with you?”

Nothing. Tumble weeds. A week later, I sent a short follow-up – “pings,” I like to call them. No ping back, no update. That’s not fair. Now, all I can think of is all the goddamn bad times in our relationship that led us to break up in the first place.

Great. Thanks for getting in touch with me.

A couple of ex-coworkers have sent out the “What’s new?” too. The ones who went to business school since I last saw them are the worst. They’ve developed this ethos that everyone is a business connection, and send out bulk e-mails announcing what they’re up to.

One recent B-school grad sent me a “What’s new?” and I told him about my great new job writing for an adult entertainment company. “Send clips!” he shot back in a two-word reply. I dutifully sent a few clips, accompanied by a “What’s new in your life?”

What do I get? More bulk e-mail. Ugh. Now, I’m left with the memory of why we lost touch in the first place: We just weren’t that tight.

I’m not exactly a man of letters myself. I blow off e-mails. I take time getting back to people. But if an old friend gets in touch with me, I get back to them with a personalized e-mail. Eventually.

I wouldn’t be getting these e-mails if it weren’t for the social networking sites. At first I was excited about social networking. I thought it was a new way for people to get laid. Then I realized that it’s just a new way for humans to miscommunicate with each other.

From now on, when an old acquaintance contacts me through a social networking site, asking “What’s up?” I’m going to reply, “Read my profile.”

It’s more intimate. They look at my profile, I look at theirs – like “69” for old friends. And it saves them the inconvenience of going to Hell.