This Thanksgiving, Give Envy, Not Thanks
NOVEMBER 19, 2007
SAN DIEGO (TNA) – This Thanksgiving, take a few moments to give envy for all that you don’t have. Tell Alex Rodriguez to go fuck himself. Shell on your neighbor for cashing in his Google stock. Come on, you know you want to do it.
After all, envy is as closely linked to Thanksgiving as is actual thanks. Wasn’t it our forefathers who saw all the food, land, and resources that the Indians had around that first Thanksgiving, and spent the next two hundred years relieving them of it?
It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be thankful for things that you know damn well you take for granted. Are you really going to thank the Lord for giving you the wine and turkey on your table? Admit it. You expect it to be there.
Scott Sorweid "More gravy for your A-Rod envy, dear?"
This year, express that gut-churning jealousy and thinly-veiled contempt for those more fortunate that consumes you every other day of the year. It’s so much more sincere, and cathartic, too. Covet your neighbor’s wife? Pine for a ski house in Aspen? Vent. That’s right, get it all out.
Begin with grace. Don’t recite the same pious twaddle that you do every year – you know that’s not you. Instead, try this: “Dear Lord, let us take for granted the gifts we are about to receive, and seethe with envy over those with wealth and happiness greater than ours.”
When there’s a silence at the table, blurt, “I hate A Rod,” and prattle for five self-absorbed minutes about how he earns such an obscene amount of money without having any real responsibility that you can’t sleep at night. Wrap it up with a little missive: “I hope you choke on your turducken, Alex Rodriguez. Screw you.”
Me, I’ve lovingly prepared a diatribe of contempt and jealousy to share at the dinner table this Thanksgiving.
After the turkey’s been served I plan to speak about how I envy factory workers who win the lottery. Fuck them. One minute they’re blowing their salary on smokes and quick picks, the next, they’re hanging at cigar bars drinking chilled Grey Goose. Let me be clear about this: nobody should be able to socioeconomically leapfrog me based on anything they purchase at a liquor store. Ever.
Then I plan to express my contempt for all those pricks who find priceless works of art at yard sales. They’ve also leaped past me, but actually get credit for doing so, as though buying a painting that they thought was a kindergartener’s doodling takes skill.
Next, I will mention the jealousy bordering on delirium that I feel for Gisele Bundchen because she has the clout to reject U.S. dollars as payment. After all, I spend my days trying to accumulate them. Her hotness makes my envy more complex, and I’ll raise my fantasy of wanting to snort blow off her stomach with rolled-up Euros.
I intend to give an apropos tip of the cap to American Indians. You heard me right. Those fuckers have it made. They get casinos and federal assistance just for being American Indians, and even the most indolent tribe member gets a yearly stipend that outfits him with an Escalade and a Blackberry. And these days, they don’t even have to stay on the reservation. I don’t get shit for being white.
I’ll conclude with an envious look back at our forefathers. After the first Thanksgiving, they saw all the resources the Indians had and just helped themselves. Now, the Indians once again have great resources – with names like Foxwoods and the Golden Acorn – but we can’t take them without a protracted legal battle. It’s not fair.
You, of course, have your own folks to envy. Perhaps the success of Kanye West is getting you down. Or maybe you’re ill with jealousy that Britney Spears still earns $750,000 per month. Join me this year, then, in celebrating Thanksgiving the truly American way, by simmering over the bastards who have more than you and scheming how to get it.
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