My Toe Is Gay, Not Me

SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Apparently, I was looking for a guy to suck my dick – which is news to me, because I’ve never wanted a guy to suck my dick.

Reg Caniggia

Just because a guy taps his toes in a public bathroom doesn't mean he's gay.

I’m as straight as Larry Craig.

Or that’s what some dude in the men’s room at the gym thought. The other day, I was sitting on the can listening to the Pixies on my iPod when a guy walked past the stall, peered through the crack, and checked me out. There were two empty stalls for him to go into.

I couldn’t figure out what it was that gave out the gay vibe. Then I looked down and, to my chagrin, realized that I really did want to have anal sex with this strange man. There was my toe, tapping out in queer Morse code.

I don’t begrudge the guy looking for a little anal sex at the gym. Truth be told, I admire these dudes – they’re the special forces of the gay community, constantly making critical decisions under highly ambiguous circumstances. In fact, more of these guys ought to be in Afghanistan. The whole country’s a men’s room.

But he got it wrong, and in Afghanistan, that would get him killed. So, the question is, when did toe tapping become the imprimatur for men’s room sex? Is there a gay congress that sets the standards and practices for stall pickups? If there is, they need to let us straights know.

And that leads to a larger issue of how the gay community co-opts ordinary signals and lingo used in cruising for gay sex. We straights don’t have a say in it. One day, toe tapping indicates dude’s got rhythm; the next day it means he’s trawling for meat pole.

We need to set up an allotment system that allows gays and straights to grab gestures and lingo on a first come first serve basis. It would be like internet domain registration. Toe tapping taken by the queers? No problem. Straights can register finger-snapping and the peace sign.

Before the grab, though, some gestures would be assigned gay or straight – as a sort of eminent domain. The hand flit and pursed lips would forever go to the gay community, while straights would get the bicep flex and fist pump in perpetuity.

Almost everything else would be up for grabs. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be contentious. Take “tea room,” for example. Long a phrase used to describe where one could sip a cup of Earl Gray, it’s come to signify over the years where one could suck off a guy named Earl Gray.

Over time, we could set up a much broader registration system. The rainbow flag – sorry University of Hawaii – would be grandfathered to the gay community, while the Van Halen logo would forever embody heterosexual virility.

And other symbols could get a long-overdue recalibration. If the straight community wants to rescue the gerbil from anal-sport purgatory, all it has to do is fill out a form.

Right now, Savion Glover is the only bloke who’s allowed to tap in the men’s room without everyone thinking he’s jonesing for a BJ. In a short time, straights could register toe tapping, and guys like me could hang out in rest rooms in peace.

And Larry Craig could go back to being straight.