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SAN DIEGO (TNA) – Most coeds don’t know how to get their professor into the sack, and I’m just the guy to show them how.

Let me present my credentials. Back in 1994 I taught Expository Writing, Business English, and World History at a college in the Boston area. No, it wasn’t Harvard. Go down the food chain. … Keep going. It was the sort of

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Nothing makes a low-paid teacher happier than knowing a student wants to sleep with him.

My classes were filled with chicks who graduated in the bottom 10 percent of their class, part-time flight attendants, and strippers suffering from ennui. It was fertile ground for finding hot gullible women to sleep with.

Unfortunately, I never hooked up with any of my students at this particular institution. I’m still kicking myself. But I learn from my mistakes, and later had sex with lots of students while teaching English in Japan and Brazil.

Allow me to offer some advice for any female who would like to sleep with her educator, or any authority figure for that matter.

Give him the look

Gaze longingly into your professor’s eyes during class – even if you’re a feminist. This move will get his attention, guaranteed. Don’t ogle, though. He’s not looking for a hooker. If he wanted to have sex with a student who turned tricks on the side, he’d teach English in Russia.

Laugh at his jokes

You don’t want to be a freak and bray like a burro at everything he says. I’ve had a few of these types in class. They’re annoying. But, if your teacher is open to screwing students, he’ll inevitably take a few stabs at humor. He didn’t get the gig based on his comic timing, so give him props. Laugh a little.

Stay after class

Don’t have a reason? Think of one. Use those critical thinking skills you developed in analyzing “The O.C.” throughout high school.

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Gaze longingly in his eyes -- but don't ogle.

Try it. If you find he starts talking gibberish, and suddenly loses 30 IQ points, don’t worry. His mind has temporarily gone schizo on him. It’s telling him, “Just answer her ridiculous question, Bernard. Just answer the question. …” But it’s also telling him, “Holy &#*$, Bernie, you see this piece of ass? Oh my God, look down her shirt. … Is that NIPPLE?”

Be patient with him. You’d be speaking in tongues, too, if you made $43,000 a year, drove a beat-up Taurus – and still had the chance to drill a 20-year-old coed.

Give a gift

Teacher Giftology is one of the least understood disciplines in teacher-student sexual relations. It should be an article all its own, but we don’t have the space. A simple rule is that all gifts are good.

Some gifts, however, are better than others. The best are items you and he can slowly consume outside of the classroom, say a bottle of wine or a wedge of cheese. Give something that represents your heritage, something you can talk about. For example, if your family is from Italy, give olive oil. If you’re from Japan, sake. Wisconsin, cheese. Los Angeles, porn.